Letter To Someone

Hi,
I've been thinking about you again. It hasn't happened for a while but well, here I am. I was lying in bed, the darkness overtook me but sleep refused to. I closed my eyes and saw your face. It brought back memories. Memories of walks we took together; the conversations we had. Memories of things you said to me that I'm sure you must have forgotten. Memories I sometimes think I would like to forget.
You said that I had charmed you, do you remember that? That night we met and spoke properly for the first time, you said I had charmed you and that you wanted to get the chance to know more about me. Do you remember saying that? I doubt it, but I remember. It's not something you tend to forget - being told you're charming. Although I've found I do like to remember genuine compliments. Everyone compliments everyone these days, so I like to pick out the genuine ones and keep them close to me. That one honest phrase from you meant more to me than most other things I heard that year. And that - if you'll take it - is a genuine compliment.
You said you would be there for me whenever I needed you, and you were as good as your word. I remember calling you quite late one night after getting some bad news and now knowing who else to turn to. I remember trying to disguise my voice so you wouldn't hear it shaking but you saw through me instantly. You turned up on my doorstep a half hour later and let me cry on your shoulder until the early hours of the morning, purely because you knew I needed you.

Day out in Africa

Yesterday was my birthday, and the trip to Africa went ahead as planned.

We packed up the car and headed down to Cork, arriving about 1pm. We took our time walking the suggested route and taking pictures. It was a nice, chilled out day. My nephew Conor, who's 3, seemed to enjoy the play areas more than seeing the animals, but thats sort of to be expected. Eoin, though only a few months old, seemed to enjoy himself. He wanted to be out of the buggy and looking at things for a lot of it.
And Nici stayed as far away from the birds as possible, which isn't surprising considering what happened the last time an ostrich came near her. {She was three, and it pecked a biscuit - custard cream - straight out of her hand. She has had a fear of birds ever since.}
All in all the day was great fun. The rain stayed away, the animals were great to see, and I got to spend the day with my family.

Uni beckons again. In a matter of weeks I'll be packing up and heading back to Hull for another nine months. I'm more scared and nervous about this year than I have been about the previous two. It's my final year, that in itself is scary enough, but I think it's the idea of having to decide what to do with my life once I finish. I have friends who have graduated this summer and are currently looking for jobs. And not just jobs to keep them going until something better comes along but actual full-time life-time jobs. I can't do that. I've spent the past two months working in an office of a holiday homes complex and it's been fun, but I don't want to do it again. Office work is not for me. I can do it, and I know I can. There's a lot of paperwork and it's repetitve but it's do-able. I just don't want to do it. Having to answer the same questions day in and day out, having to deal with the same kind of people every day, the same complaints, the same accents....it's just wrecking my head. Thank god I only have three weeks left. Although, having said that, I'll miss the girls I work with. They make it entertaining.

Older and Wiser?

So in a few days time I will turn 23. I've gotten to the stage now where I should be old enough to know better; old enough to know right from wrong; old enough to be happy with being an adult and not feel the need or want for childish things.

Thing is, I may be old enough, but I don't think I am ready for it. Part of me knows I am old enough to be the responsible one and take charge in a situation if I need to, but part of me still wants to be able to call someone else, someone older, and let them take charge. Let them do the organising and the planning, let them do the fixing. I'm still a child at heart and I think I'd like to stay that way.

Return to Africa

When I was almost five years old, I wanted to go to Africa and see the lions. So as a birthday treat my parents packed the family into the car and we went to 'Africa'. There is a place about 2 hours drive from my home called Fota. In Fota there is a wildlife park. A zoo without as many fences. This was my Africa. Since then it has always been referred to in my family as Africa.

This August sees me turning 23. Strange, since I still feel about 19, but that's life I guess. Years pass by and though you and your situations change you don't feel any older or different. Or sometimes barely a few months could pass and you may feel far beyond your years.

During a family dinner this week my mother asked if I wanted a party for my birthday. It falls on a sunday so would be a perfect day to do something. I thought about it for mere seconds before asking if we could go back to Africa. It's been 18 years since the last time. So the current plan is to pack the family - now extended with spouses and children - into three cars and drive to Africa for the day. I just hope my nephews enjoy it as much as I did.

Lapse of Judgement

I've been looking back at the month of May, and the choices I made that month, and I think I may have been blind-sided, or had a temporary lapse of judgement; or temporary brain loss. Whatever the reason I am completely clueless as to why I did some of the things I did. Though maybe it's just because I'm a girl and can never make up my mind one way or another.

Going Through The Motions

A month has passed and not a lot has occurred. Had the end of year ball on June 2nd. That was an interesting and eye opening night, though we won't go into details. I came home on June 7th and started work on June 8th. So far my face to face dealing with irritating tourists has been minimal, though I have found that trying to understand Dubliners on the phone is quite difficult. The girls I work with I already know one way or another so it's not bad in that respect either. It's fairly easy to pick up, mostly talking on the phone and taking bookings for the holiday homes, that sort of thing. Nothing major. Whether I can put up with it for three months, well thats another kettle of fish altogether. But if I managed to deal with the park for six years I'm sure I can manage this.



Last night was a Saturday, and in my town that means hitting the two local hotspots for people my age, first The Vic followed by The Baldy {now under the new name of Redz} but I haven't enjoyed doing that in quite a few years and try to avoid it as much as possible, so I stayed in and watched a movie instead. My ideal night - almost. My mom started talking to me once I'd watched my movie, saying how I should "Give Tramore a go." I told her I have done, many times, and it hasn't changed. I tried to explain to her how I feel I don't fit in here anymore. I have changed in the years since I left secondary school, but this town hasn't. Every Saturday night is the same. The same people, the same places and faces, the same conversations, the same arguments, the same explanations, the same music. And to be completely frank I find it boring, repetitive and stagnant. Nothing changes.

When I come home I do so to see my family and a handful of girls I have remained friends with from school, but aside from that I have no interest in being here. She can see that in me. She said I was like this last summer, and each time I visited throughout the year. I miss Hull and she knows it. I wouldn't have come home this summer if it weren't for the fact I knew I had a job waiting and a new nephew to get to know. I have accomodation in Hull for the summer and could have found a job if I tried. Part of me feels I had to come home, because I know I'm missed here. But something my mother said to me last night made a lot of sense, she said I'm just going through the motions when I'm home - waking up, work, home, dinner, tv or a walk or reading, and then bed. One single day is pretty much the same as any other day. I feel like an outcast in this town. I feel misunderstood. I feel like I have to explain myself and my decisions. I thought my family understood my decisions, but now it seems I have to explain myself to my family as well.



BUT on a totally different note, Terri's here in two days!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)

Another year come to an end.

Yes I know it's May and not December/January but for all students the year begins in September and ends in May or June. Those few months in between are a limbo, precious time to be used wisely. And it seems like mine may be a busy few.
I have a friend coming to visit near the end of June, before she disappears back to the U S of A. And another friend has just enquired as to whether he could come visit too. What with visitors and trying to keep my cool in a job where I have to deal with my least favourite type of people - tourists - it should be an entertaining summer. Good thing I have my nephews to releave the boredom.

Today has been a scary day. I handed in my final piece of work for my second year at uni at about 12:10 this afternoon. It feels strange. I dont feel like I've gone through two whole years of study, yet I know I have accomplished something. I'm two thirds through my degree, and I still don't know what to do once I finish. Suggestions welcome.