Long time.

I don't even know when my last post was, but it must be fairly long because I thought of posting all by myself, with no reminders from anyone!
Mostly I wanted to get something out of my system, well a couple of things. The first is a very upsetting and kinda disturbing dream I had last night. It was a long complicated dream with people I don't know and some I do, and places that weren't familiar in the slightest but I knew them meticulously in my dream. But the thing that has stuck with me is that the Riddler {remember him from a previous post?} talked to me about how he felt he had no purpose and no one cared for him, and how he would be better off dead. Then he committed suicide, and my father was the one to find him. It was a little disturbing. Even though I've been awake and busy for at least 13 or 14 hours now I can still vividly see my parents standing in my bedroom doorway telling me he was dead. It upset me a bit. So much so that I got in contact with him shortly after I woke up to see if he was okay. He says he has some issues at the moment but he'll be fine. Not so sure I believe him but what can I do when I'm in a different country?

Other than that, I am just so sick of being here. There are no jobs to be had. I'm working in a newsagents for the time being to just get some money into my pocket and fund a trip to Hull before Christmas. And when I go over I am going to bring a stack of cv's and my best employ me outfit and smile. I love home, I love my friends, but there's just not enough incentive for me to stay here anymore. My friends, my life is in hull. I feel like a shell of my former self by being away from it all. Doesn't help that my best friend has a new girlfriend, and I sorta feel like I've been replaced in a way. My best friend and my boyfriend are hanging out constantly, and I used to be part of that equation, but now I'm not. And she's there with them on nights out and nights in and it makes me feel like I'm missing out even more. And worse still, I have to give my approval of her when I meet her. How am I supposed to approve of someone I'm jealous of and who I feel is replacing me? Can it be done?

To go back to speaking of home, two of the girls I went to school with were home for the weekend so we went out for a couple of drinks last night. Less than an hour into the night I started thinking how maybe I should pursue teaching so I'll at least have something to talk to them about. I can't say I didn't enjoy the night, I did. For the most part. I still feel a bit out of place here now so it wasn't the easiest night for me. I will admit I did leave the pub earlier than everyone else, and was glad to. I had been leaving an hour before but had another drink bought for me so I stayed. Then some girls we went to school with showed up and sat with us, even though I would guess it's been at least four years since I had a conversation with any of them that lasted longer than 5 minutes. Which is quite sad, because one of them was one of my best friends in school, and her fiancé was another. Now I'd be surprised to even get an evening invitation to the wedding. But these things happen right? Its said that the friends you make at college/university are the ones you keep for life, and I can genuinely see that happening, but I don't want them to be the kind of friends I see a couple of times a year, I want to see them as often as possible. But until I get decent money, or a decent job in the Uk, it aint gonna happen. And I miss them. Terribly.

All Things Christmassy

Christmas has come and gone, and New Years looms around the corner, and I am already back in Hull. It was fun being back in the Bay for a bit, even if it was a short visit. Part of me wishes I had stayed longer, but another part of me is so glad to be back in Hull. It's getting really strange to be back under the watchful eye of the parentals. I think every time I visit it gets that little bit more odd. But it was fun. Christmas day was nice and relaxed. Breakfast at my sisters house, singing at mass as always, followed by a chilled out day, nice dinner and card games a-plenty.

Susan seemed to enjoy herself with my family. I was a little bit worried. Visiting someone elses home any other time of the year is a completely different thing, but to spend the Christmas Holidays with a family other than your own, from a completely different culture surely can't be the easiest thing to go through. But it all seemed fine, which is good. She saw quite a bit of the country too, which is a good thing. Took her to Cork for the day, and she went down for another day with a friend and saw Kinsale. Took her to Thurles and she met my grandmother and uncle. The best part of that was her reaction to my Uncle's accent. She could understand everything he said - a difficult thing even for me - but it was the thick Tipperary accent that gave her trouble.

I discovered this Christmas that no matter the time of year, my father still loves to play tour guide!! As with anyone who comes to visit, he took Susan to see the Hook. Which, aside from the bitter wind, was a really nice trip.


On a different sadder note, a young man washed up on the beach on Christmas morning. A guy who's family my family have known for years. He was 20 years old and it's believed he jumped from the cliff edge on the night of Christmas Eve. This is the third guy since April to try, and the second to succeed. What I can't help wondering is why? What is it that pushes them, that makes them feel they need to end their life? And why does it seem to all be the same age group? The three guys were all around the same age. What happens to men at the age of 20 that they think now is the time to end everything? My heart goes out to the families of these guys, they are the ones left behind and left wondering what happened. Wondering where they went wrong. Wondering if there was anything they could have done differently. Even the guy who jumped and lived to tell the tale, I can hardly imagine the thoughts going through his head this Christmas. I wonder has he since realised how selfish his actions were? It may sound cruel, but I do believe people who commit suicide to be selfish. They never seem to realise what they are leaving behind. Or who.

I've talked a friend through it once, tried to make him see that ending his life was not the way out, tried to show him that he had things to live for. I don't know if it was my words that stopped him or his own fear and thoughts, either way he's still here. Yes he doesn't have the easiest life, yes he has troubles and bad times and failed attempts at things, but he's still here to try and fail, to try and succeed. Unlike those two guys I mentioned. All they can do now is look down on those they left behind.

It's a shame that only after a person dies do they get told how much they are loved and wanted.