Late Night

It is currently 1:20 am - well, technically it is 2:20 am as the clocks are springing forward tonight. But I don't feel much like springing. Or celebrating. Or doing anything that might indicate that I feel alright or happy.

It has been a roller coaster of a month, and it ain't over yet. At the beginning I was in a relationship that was healthy, happy and had a bright future. Now? Now I am in limbo with a man who couldn't make a decision if his life depended on it.

It's been a four year roller coaster ride. But the kind of ride that even at the scariest moment, when you're screaming so hard your lungs hurt, you still know deep down that you're safe. But maybe it's been too safe.

I feel like I have run myself ragged trying to make him love me. He is the quiet silent type, and I am not. I like to talk. I like to listen. I like to know what the people closest to me are thinking; what they're worried about; what they want from life; what they dream about. So I caused problems in our four years by asking too many questions. But he caused problems by not answering them. Or not talking at all.

Relationships are tricky. Granted I'm still relatively young at 27, but I have had my fair share of strange, complicated relationships. And because of that now I know what I want. So is it wrong of me to be forward about what I want and what I think I deserve? I don't think I should have to fight so hard to be loved. All I ask for is conversation, honesty and a bit of romance from time to time. And to be first choice.

I believe that if you've found someone you want to grow old with, you should make sure that they know every day that no one else compares. I have made sure, every day, that he knows how important and special he is to me. All I ask is the same in return. I'm starting to think I may have been wasting my breath.

SURPRISE!!!

I've just returned from a weekend in Hull. Yeah I know I didn't mention specifics of it before I left but I had my reasons. Namely I wanted to surprise one of my friends and I have a feeling he occasionally dips in and out of this, and knowing my luck and his timing he would have read it before I went over.

I had a fantastic time. I can't really say much else without being repetitive, but I think I shall. I saw Batman for four days. Which I really really needed. It's kinda crazy how short a month is in comparison to the grand scale, but how long it can be when its what's standing between you and seeing someone who makes your whole world brighter. I spent my days seeing people and having food and coffee with friends I've missed more than I thought I could. I spent my nights with Batman and the other regular crew, drinking, watching movies, chilling out. And spent a lot of time just doing nothing in particular. But that's the way I like it.

I had some duties to attend to this weekend however. I had to meet the new girlfriend of not one but TWO of my close friends. And I'll be honest, one of them I was not looking forward to meeting, and I really didn't want to like. But I do. She's a nice girl, and she's good for him. Not entirely sure he's ready for her and what dating her means, but I like him. And the other one was quiet but seems nice. And he's happy, again thats all that matters.
My other duties were of the meet the parents variety. I was kind of nervous before hand, but once they arrived I realised I was being silly. Parents generally love me. We went for lunch, and I slowly gathered how this family works. Dad is relaxed and chilled and Mom is the stern captain of the ship. Or so it seems. Batman really looks like his Dad, and from the short time I spent with them, I think personality wise they're very similar too. I could be wrong. Supposedly they think I'm nice. Good start I hope.

Right, I'm damn cold and it's late. Sleep is a must. Photos of the weekend will follow soon.

Long time.

I don't even know when my last post was, but it must be fairly long because I thought of posting all by myself, with no reminders from anyone!
Mostly I wanted to get something out of my system, well a couple of things. The first is a very upsetting and kinda disturbing dream I had last night. It was a long complicated dream with people I don't know and some I do, and places that weren't familiar in the slightest but I knew them meticulously in my dream. But the thing that has stuck with me is that the Riddler {remember him from a previous post?} talked to me about how he felt he had no purpose and no one cared for him, and how he would be better off dead. Then he committed suicide, and my father was the one to find him. It was a little disturbing. Even though I've been awake and busy for at least 13 or 14 hours now I can still vividly see my parents standing in my bedroom doorway telling me he was dead. It upset me a bit. So much so that I got in contact with him shortly after I woke up to see if he was okay. He says he has some issues at the moment but he'll be fine. Not so sure I believe him but what can I do when I'm in a different country?

Other than that, I am just so sick of being here. There are no jobs to be had. I'm working in a newsagents for the time being to just get some money into my pocket and fund a trip to Hull before Christmas. And when I go over I am going to bring a stack of cv's and my best employ me outfit and smile. I love home, I love my friends, but there's just not enough incentive for me to stay here anymore. My friends, my life is in hull. I feel like a shell of my former self by being away from it all. Doesn't help that my best friend has a new girlfriend, and I sorta feel like I've been replaced in a way. My best friend and my boyfriend are hanging out constantly, and I used to be part of that equation, but now I'm not. And she's there with them on nights out and nights in and it makes me feel like I'm missing out even more. And worse still, I have to give my approval of her when I meet her. How am I supposed to approve of someone I'm jealous of and who I feel is replacing me? Can it be done?

To go back to speaking of home, two of the girls I went to school with were home for the weekend so we went out for a couple of drinks last night. Less than an hour into the night I started thinking how maybe I should pursue teaching so I'll at least have something to talk to them about. I can't say I didn't enjoy the night, I did. For the most part. I still feel a bit out of place here now so it wasn't the easiest night for me. I will admit I did leave the pub earlier than everyone else, and was glad to. I had been leaving an hour before but had another drink bought for me so I stayed. Then some girls we went to school with showed up and sat with us, even though I would guess it's been at least four years since I had a conversation with any of them that lasted longer than 5 minutes. Which is quite sad, because one of them was one of my best friends in school, and her fiancé was another. Now I'd be surprised to even get an evening invitation to the wedding. But these things happen right? Its said that the friends you make at college/university are the ones you keep for life, and I can genuinely see that happening, but I don't want them to be the kind of friends I see a couple of times a year, I want to see them as often as possible. But until I get decent money, or a decent job in the Uk, it aint gonna happen. And I miss them. Terribly.

Celebrations and Shoot Outs!

Few things to report since the other night - oddly enough. Some I just forgot to mention, others have happened since.
Last things first: Went to see In Bruges last night, brilliant brilliant film. Absolutely loved it, it is a clever piece of film, and it has totally changed my opinion of Colin Farrell. I always said he was a bit of an idiot and that the only time he's ever done anything anyway good was when he appeared in an episode of Scrubs playing an Irish guy. And here he is again playing an Irish guy. An Irish hitman but an Irish guy nonetheless. Definately worth going to see. Brendan Gleeson is brilliant in it too, hilarious film.

Second and more importantly - I got my best friend back!! He's been MIA for a few months due to.....well....circumstances beyond our control, but the circumstances have been dealt with and he's back!! So we've spent copious amounts of time together in the past week and it's soooo good! The guy knows too much about me for him to go disappearing anywhere. Gotta keep him in the good books!

Thirdly - Monday is ROCKY HORROR NIGHT!!! Wooo!!! Lots of men in corsets too small for them and girls in torn fish nets! Gonna be fun! Hopefully I'll remember to take photos!

Sunshine....On my window....

....makes me happy, like I should be. We have had some absolutely beautiful days this week. The sun has been shining, its been almost cloudless skies, squirrels are starting to move about again and everything is green and bright. I love Spring! But, if I believe all I hear, we are due about 2 or 3 cms of snow over the weekend. How nuts is that? There goes my plan for sitting in the park with my book on Sunday. I have been taking some nice shots of the park and ducks and such, once I have them loaded I'll add some.
I got the essay done, not the best I've ever written but not the worst, so we'll see how it goes. One down, four to go. I think very shortly I will have no life outside of these four essays and classes. I know I need to keep a balance or I'll go mad, as it is I haven't gotten that balance right yet. I keep making social dates...coffee or drinks or meals....just things to keep me away from my work. So that has got to change.
Oh, and I'm adding another guy to the list. Another guy with a girlfriend has decided he likes me. Flattered. But....why is it always the taken ones I attract? Can't I find a single guy who likes me? Just once, that'd be nice.

So, buttons?

I've been getting quite good at writing here regularly in the past month or two, and I'm proud of that. It may not be the most interesting read, but it's mine. But, the regular posts may get disrupted as I'm going home tomorrow for two weeks. Chances are I'll sit down at some point and type a blog, but it may happen just the once.

To be fair, I don't really have a lot to write about lately, I just like the regularity of writing here, as empty as they posts may be.

I saw Nick tonight. For the first time since we split. And it was really nice. He came round, we chatted a bit, watched a movie, just chilled out. Was good to be able to do that. He's got himself a new girlfriend, apparently he had to reassure her that nothing was going on between us. Can I make that number 5 on my list?? But she has reason, I guess. More reason than most.

I'm packed. It's the night before I'm due to travel and I'm packed. This doesn't happen. I'm normally running around like a headless chicken at this point, trying to find things. Although, and I know this will sound a little odd, I have lost a pair of tights. I washed them, hung them up with other clothes to dry to bring home with me, when I went to get the clothes someone had moved them into my basket, so I brought it upstairs. As I emptied it I realised the tights were gone. Peculiar, no? I'm sure they'll show up, 6 weeks down the line when I no longer want or need them.
But yeah, back to being packed. Aside from having to throw in things like toothbrush, hairbrush, I'm done. I swear I'm forgetting something though. I'm sure I'll find out when I get home tomorrow!

The List Grows

I never knew I was such a threat to girls. I always thought of myself as a bit of a tomboy, and the kinda girl that both guys and girls just saw as a mate. But apparently not. I can now add another one to the list of girls that dislike me because they think I want their boyfriend!! A close friend's ex came up to me last night, pulled me aside and apologised for being nasty to me for the first six months that her and my friend were going out. He and I had dated in our first year for a few weeks, decided we were better as friends and have stayed close friends since. I always thought she knew about it and that that was why she had been cold towards me. Apparently that's not the case. She never knew about it but could tell there was something between him and I, so she assumed either he liked me or vice versa. When she eventually found out - he didn't tell her about it for about six or seven months - she felt justified and continued to be not the nicest person towards me until they broke up recently. What is it? What do I do that makes girlfriends uncomfortable?

Today is the last day of voting in the elections, and the results will be announced tonight. I'm a little nervous but not at the same time. All I can do it wait and see I guess. Fingers crossed!

Baking, Rock Music & Girlfriends!

Being back at university seems to be taking its toll on me, but I don't think its neccisarily a bad thing. I've had trouble sleeping the past few nights, but it has caused me to be more productive. Last night I was awake until after three, and awake again this morning at about 9:30, but it meant that I finished reading a play and am now about a third of the way through another book. However I'm also baking a lot, and listening to my heavy/rocky music. I baked sugar cookies last week, apple crumble yesterday and am going to try skins and garlic and bacon sauce today. Assuming I don't burn the kitchen down while trying to cook the skins! But the music mixed with the baking isn't a good sign. When I listen to this kinda music {Nickleback, Rasmus, Def Leppard} while doing something creative like baking or painting, it usually means I'm feeling stressed and need a release. Either that or I want to do something....different!! But when it happens one session usually fixes everything....not this time. I'm on baking effort three and still feeling tense and wound up. Maybe I'm just looking for the right kind of junk food to make me feel right again!

Monday was my first class for the semester. Yesterday I had my second, and my third and fourth ones are on Friday. So today and tomorrow are free. I had intended to put them to good use and be productive, so far it's not going too well. It's ok, but not great. Fingers crossed that I'll get some inspiration later on this evening. I was sitting in my Prose Portfolio class on Monday, and kept thinking to myself that I have no idea what to write for the class. I have a 5000 word piece due in May, which can be one of three things, either one long short story, the beginning of a novel or novella, or a collection of short shorts, which must all be connected somehow. Where to begin? How to begin? I'm scared.

And now for something totally unrelated. I have discovered a new pet peeve - girlfriends!! As a general observation, most of my friends are of the male variety. I have a handful of female friends, who I can see on a regular basis and not want to decapitate. But in general I have always gotten on well with guys and my male friends outweigh my female ones at least 3 to 1. Now this wouldn't be a problem in and of itself, but it's when you include the girlfriends into the equation that we get the problem. Supposedly I am a threat. One friend of mine cannot say hello to me in the street if he is with his girlfriend because she will throw a strop at him for it; another can talk to me and see me, there's no problem there, but his girlfriend has made it fairly obvious to me that he is 'her man' and not available. Little things she does, like wrapping her arm around his when we talk, or laying her head on his shoulder....just making sure I'm aware they're together. A message to her: I am aware.
How in the hell can I be a threat? Am I being punished for being a friendly, chatty, outgoing person now?? Can't I do anything right?