Late Night

It is currently 1:20 am - well, technically it is 2:20 am as the clocks are springing forward tonight. But I don't feel much like springing. Or celebrating. Or doing anything that might indicate that I feel alright or happy.

It has been a roller coaster of a month, and it ain't over yet. At the beginning I was in a relationship that was healthy, happy and had a bright future. Now? Now I am in limbo with a man who couldn't make a decision if his life depended on it.

It's been a four year roller coaster ride. But the kind of ride that even at the scariest moment, when you're screaming so hard your lungs hurt, you still know deep down that you're safe. But maybe it's been too safe.

I feel like I have run myself ragged trying to make him love me. He is the quiet silent type, and I am not. I like to talk. I like to listen. I like to know what the people closest to me are thinking; what they're worried about; what they want from life; what they dream about. So I caused problems in our four years by asking too many questions. But he caused problems by not answering them. Or not talking at all.

Relationships are tricky. Granted I'm still relatively young at 27, but I have had my fair share of strange, complicated relationships. And because of that now I know what I want. So is it wrong of me to be forward about what I want and what I think I deserve? I don't think I should have to fight so hard to be loved. All I ask for is conversation, honesty and a bit of romance from time to time. And to be first choice.

I believe that if you've found someone you want to grow old with, you should make sure that they know every day that no one else compares. I have made sure, every day, that he knows how important and special he is to me. All I ask is the same in return. I'm starting to think I may have been wasting my breath.

Look, I've been writing.

Dumbing Down

Sixty years ago it wasn't uncommon for some people to be unable to spell correctly, mostly due to a lack of education or the family's need for more regular incomes. You would like to think that we as a society have gone beyond that. It is not illegal to refuse anyone their right to an education but unfortunately our modern ways mean that people are still – or should that be again – losing a fighting battle with the English language.

Commonly regarded as the most complex language to master for those coming to it later in life, I believe it should be given the respect it deserves by those who call it mother tongue. But modern technology is gradually degrading it. With the invention of text messages and instant messaging services our communication age rounded a corner – leaving half of the alphabet behind. Words have been shortened, others replaced by symbols or numbers and even vowels removed – all in an attempt to save space and time. Even sites such as Twitter constrict the amount you can write in one go, at 140 characters a turn.

Why are we all in such a hurry?

The written word is a wonderful part of our lives. Think to those well thumbed books on your shelf; letters from an old friend; an invitation to a weddings; cards on your birthday. Without these things our lives would ultimately be wildly different and without the written word none of these would be possible. One could argue that there have been entire societies and tribes who used merely pictures and images to convey messages, but none of those people have ever felt the joy of following “Once upon a time...” to its conclusion, or reading a love letter dedicated solely to them.

Song Lyrics

I heard some lyrics this morning that are possibly the best I have heard in a long time. The song is by Joshua Radin, I'm unsure of the title though. He's describing his girlfriend as famous women. These are just some of the lines I like.

You're Sylvia Plath, as you drift from the bath
I hand you a robe and so it goes, the moment has passed

You're Simone de Beauvoir, as you get out the car
The way you read me, no one can see me, its who you are

You're Nina Simone, when you talk on the phone
You sing to me then I'm truly no longer along.

All Things Christmassy

Christmas has come and gone, and New Years looms around the corner, and I am already back in Hull. It was fun being back in the Bay for a bit, even if it was a short visit. Part of me wishes I had stayed longer, but another part of me is so glad to be back in Hull. It's getting really strange to be back under the watchful eye of the parentals. I think every time I visit it gets that little bit more odd. But it was fun. Christmas day was nice and relaxed. Breakfast at my sisters house, singing at mass as always, followed by a chilled out day, nice dinner and card games a-plenty.

Susan seemed to enjoy herself with my family. I was a little bit worried. Visiting someone elses home any other time of the year is a completely different thing, but to spend the Christmas Holidays with a family other than your own, from a completely different culture surely can't be the easiest thing to go through. But it all seemed fine, which is good. She saw quite a bit of the country too, which is a good thing. Took her to Cork for the day, and she went down for another day with a friend and saw Kinsale. Took her to Thurles and she met my grandmother and uncle. The best part of that was her reaction to my Uncle's accent. She could understand everything he said - a difficult thing even for me - but it was the thick Tipperary accent that gave her trouble.

I discovered this Christmas that no matter the time of year, my father still loves to play tour guide!! As with anyone who comes to visit, he took Susan to see the Hook. Which, aside from the bitter wind, was a really nice trip.


On a different sadder note, a young man washed up on the beach on Christmas morning. A guy who's family my family have known for years. He was 20 years old and it's believed he jumped from the cliff edge on the night of Christmas Eve. This is the third guy since April to try, and the second to succeed. What I can't help wondering is why? What is it that pushes them, that makes them feel they need to end their life? And why does it seem to all be the same age group? The three guys were all around the same age. What happens to men at the age of 20 that they think now is the time to end everything? My heart goes out to the families of these guys, they are the ones left behind and left wondering what happened. Wondering where they went wrong. Wondering if there was anything they could have done differently. Even the guy who jumped and lived to tell the tale, I can hardly imagine the thoughts going through his head this Christmas. I wonder has he since realised how selfish his actions were? It may sound cruel, but I do believe people who commit suicide to be selfish. They never seem to realise what they are leaving behind. Or who.

I've talked a friend through it once, tried to make him see that ending his life was not the way out, tried to show him that he had things to live for. I don't know if it was my words that stopped him or his own fear and thoughts, either way he's still here. Yes he doesn't have the easiest life, yes he has troubles and bad times and failed attempts at things, but he's still here to try and fail, to try and succeed. Unlike those two guys I mentioned. All they can do now is look down on those they left behind.

It's a shame that only after a person dies do they get told how much they are loved and wanted.