Sunday Evening Musings

I do this time and again, revive the blog and promise to write regularly, and it rarely happens.

So this time I am not going to make any empty promises. I am just going to write and see what happens.

In terms of my world at the moment it is cold and dark - the weather at least. This week we have had the worst snowfall in this part of the country for over 40 years. It was over 30cm in some places, and it was beautiful. It snowed for 48 hours straight and the roads were quiet, blanketed in snow and it looked so peaceful. It was fascinating to watch. I have to admit I sat by the lit fire and watched the snow fall for long periods of the day.

We spent Christmas this year in the north of England with Batman's family, and on the last day there was a small snowfall. As we headed to the airport on roads that snake through mountainous regions seeing the speckled hills made me yearn for a trip somewhere with proper snow. Somewhere with log cabins and large open fires and snowshoes. Skiing and snowboarding and reindeer. So when I heard the Beast from the East and Storm Emma were due on our little corner of the world and were bringing wintery showers with them I got excited. Kid in a candy store giddy! And as the snow showers started, I thought if enough fell maybe it would satiate my need for a trip to a snow covered vista. But if anything, its made my desire even stronger. I've been researching log cabins in Scandinavian countries, trying to find the best locations. And I've even been trying to talk my sisters into joining me, a family trip to a snow laden wonderland. Whether this dream trip becomes a reality this year or not, its been put out there, it's on the cards. This is one of those Bucket List things.

Up in the Air!

No, not the Clooney movie, but my life.

The last month has been tumultuous to say the least. Batman visited for the Tall Ships weekend here in Waterford, which was a great weekend. Then he went home. And thats when it started. The distance has proven too much for the caped crusader and he/we decided it was time to call it quits. Unwillingly it happened. Then less than 5 days later I received word about an interview. In Hull. Ironic. So, I went to the interview, got the job, and am moving to Hull in less than a week.

Three years with him, trying to find work to be in the same place as him. We break up and the universe gets a sense of humour. But, beggars can't be choosers, and as there are no jobs on this side of the water I accepted and am now leaving Tramore. Again. How many times is this?

So, my future is all a bit of a jumble. I have a good job, but no guy to come home to at the end of the day. I have great friends who let me stay on their couch, but no place of my own. I have a fantastic family that are loving and supportive and encouraging....and I am choosing to leave them behind. I think that is going to be the hardest part.

But new beginnings and all that jazz. New job will lead to new friends. Living on the couch will push me to find somewhere to live. And Batman and I are going to go back to the beginning and date for a while, see how things lie.

All in all, I have no idea whats going to happen, but I'm excited to find out.

Christmas Is Coming

I love Christmas. I really do. I love the lights; I love the crisp weather; I love writing cards and wrapping presents; I love baking seasonal food. This year though I'm feeling a bit anxious. I have made a decision. I have booked a one way flight to the Uk, leaving here before New Years, to try and start afresh.

And I am scared s***less. I don't know how its gonna turn out. I might be lucky and land a job. Or I might be like the hundreds of other graduates who are stuck sitting on their behinds wasting days because there are no jobs to be had. But there's no way of finding out if I can get a job in England while I'm sitting around in Ireland. But I am scared about having nothing to do. I do not suffer boredom well. I eat and become lathargic. Which then leads to not job hunting properly, if at all.

There's a double reason for my going though. Batman and I have been dating across an overly small ocean for two and a half years, so I figure its about time we tried to date while in the same city. But I am more nervous about that than anything else. I am nervous that it will turn sour; that we will come to realise we only worked because we were apart most of the time.

I guess only time will tell.

Snow in March.

Its snowing. Today is the 29th of March and we have a snow storm raging outside the window. A storm is the only appropriate word for whats going on. It's been windy and wild all day, and since nightfall it has started to snow. The snow is swirling around in waves and the cars across the road are now white all down one side. It's a bit chaotic. And yet very captivating to watch.

Anyway...enough of the weather. Not a lot has changed in the last month. David O'Doherty was hilarious. Really enjoyed that night out. Work is the same, home is the same. Still not sleeping very well. Especially not the last few nights. But hopefully I'll be so tired when I get to bed tonight that I'll fall straight to sleep.

Booked tickets last night to go see Dara O'Briain live in July. Four tickets, two of us going. The other two are for whoever is free the week leading up to it.

Going to a wedding in a few weeks in England. Looking forward to it, though it's going to be a little bit peculiar. For one thing, its the first wedding I've been invited to that wasn't a relative. For another, I will only know the groom and the bestman. I haven't yet met the bride. I've spoken with her, but not met her. And lastly, though it sounds a bit cruel, I didn't think that of the three of us - groom, bestman and myself - that he would be the first to get married. He's a wonderful guy, and I am over the moon for him, but I just didn't expect it. Though having said that, I don't know who I thought would be.

Getting to that age where friends are getting married and having babies. Its a bit weird. I barely know what I want to do in six months time, let alone for the rest of my life.

Home again, home again...

...jiggidy jig.

I went to Hull almost three weeks ago for a weekend. I got home yesterday. When it got to the day before I was supposed to come home, I couldn't bear to leave. I know, silly right? But I feel so much better being there. Its not that I'm unhappy at home, I'm just that bit happier in England. I have people to see and places I can go when I'm sick of being stuck in the house. I have people I trust and can talk to. And being able to see Batman whenever I want helps things too.

So I postponed my flights for two weeks. No one on this side of the water seemed happy about it; everyone on the English side was delighted. I even had Jason offer to 'steal' my bag with passport and flights in it, and then ring my mom saying he'd found the phone etc in the bag he stole, so I wouldn't be coming home. However I figured that just telling her myself would be a better option. She was delighted for me at first, but when I rang again the following weekend, she didn't sound so positive. And my boss was so unimpressed that I figured I wouldn't have a job when I got back. But I was in work at 9:30 this morning, so guess she didn't care as much as I thought.

The worst bit though is not knowing when I get to go back again. I had an amazing time being there, seeing people and going out and socialising. I kinda forgot how much fun it could be. I also kinda felt like I was finally back in the loop. Being away means that I only hear snippets of whats going on with my friends, and being there for almost three weeks meant I finally felt back in place and aware again. And I have no idea when I'll be back in England. End of May maybe? I honestly don't know, and that upsets me.

Anyway....to market, to market.

Spouting randomly.

Some people find it strange that I don't enjoy being at home as much as they expect I should. A semi-traditional Irish family. Big, chatty, friendly, welcoming, musical and definitely entertaining. But yet sometimes I really dislike being here. Nobody in this family talks to anyone about anything real. To get my younger sister to actually discuss her ill treatment of me and everyone else I had to ambush her at around 12:30 am after watching movies. Catch her out unawares and make her open up. It worked, but only I think because she's young and can be saved. I'm not so sure it will work for other members of the Mernagh clan. Both my sisters and I are unhappy with things our mother does, but will any of us confront her about it? No. The reason? We were never taught to; it is not something that is done in this household. Although I don't know if it's an Irish thing or just a this family thing, but since living in England I have become more vocal about how I feel, and more confident about talking to other people about how I feel and how they feel. I am now willing to talk to someone about something they've done that upset or distressed me, let them know how I feel and find out why. Yes it does sound slightly Dr. Phil-ian, but it works. Otherwise we end up carrying hurt and guilt around with us for much too long, therefore building grudges when we should in fact be building bridges. {Yeah yeah, clichéd, be quiet!} The reason I would rather be back in England is I am comfortable there, with who I am and with showing who I am. Here I stay reserved and quiet and keep things in because whats the point trying to talk when I know no-one will answer.

The land of Leprechauns

Well my trip to Hull has been and gone. Graduation was fun, if a little bizarre. I still don't feel any different, I just now have a piece of paper telling me I've got a degree. It's all a bit weird really.

The visit was fun. I got to see people again, and say goodbye again. That bit hurt. More than I expected. I even cried some, a rarity for me. Well no, I'll correct that. It's a rarity that people witness me crying, and three people saw this outburst. It was my final night in Hull and I was saying goodbye to two of my closest friends. One of whom I'm sure I'll see again, but the other - he makes promises but he's hard to keep track of even when we're in the same city, so I'm just hoping that it won't be any harder now we're in different countries.

Back home again now, and it's nice but I'm not liking the unpacking part. Especially since I have no idea what to do next. I have a chance to move back to the UK, but it'd be temporary and in a new place with strangers. Not terribly keen to do that. It has a plus side though, by being in the UK I can go visit people in Hull more regularly. It'd be jumping on a train instead of a flight...but we'll see what happens.