Quiet night in.

Wasn't supposed to be. I was actually kinda looking forward to going out tonight, which is unusual for me. But I've been bailed on, sort of. The girl I was supposed to go out with went to a friends house to have a couple of drinks first, and she's still there. I've been invited, but there's a reason I don't really hang out with people I went to school with so I declined. She did say she'd tell me when they head out, and that it'll be in the next hour. That was 40 minutes ago. I wouldn't mind so much if I hadn't gone to the trouble of getting ready. So I am sat here, all dressed up and no place to go. Another reason to move back to the Uk. Even with the number of friends I have there dwindling with people moving home after graduation or whatever, I'd still be able to go out on a Saturday night if I wanted to. There'd be someone to call if something like this happened. I went through my phone here to see who there was I could call, see if they were out already and I could join them. I came up with 2. Neither of whom are available.

I know I could go out and would probably meet someone I knew in the bar, but its not the same. I can't just latch onto another group, that's not my way. I'd feel out of place if I did that. I'm not the greatest at integrating well. It takes me time.

On a brighter note, I'm hopefully going to Edinburgh for a few days towards the end of October with one of the girls. I'm starting to really look forward to it and we haven't even booked anything yet!! I keep telling her it'll be freezing there at that time of year but her response is just that she'll wrap up well! My kinda girl!

Home again, home again...

...jiggidy jig.

I went to Hull almost three weeks ago for a weekend. I got home yesterday. When it got to the day before I was supposed to come home, I couldn't bear to leave. I know, silly right? But I feel so much better being there. Its not that I'm unhappy at home, I'm just that bit happier in England. I have people to see and places I can go when I'm sick of being stuck in the house. I have people I trust and can talk to. And being able to see Batman whenever I want helps things too.

So I postponed my flights for two weeks. No one on this side of the water seemed happy about it; everyone on the English side was delighted. I even had Jason offer to 'steal' my bag with passport and flights in it, and then ring my mom saying he'd found the phone etc in the bag he stole, so I wouldn't be coming home. However I figured that just telling her myself would be a better option. She was delighted for me at first, but when I rang again the following weekend, she didn't sound so positive. And my boss was so unimpressed that I figured I wouldn't have a job when I got back. But I was in work at 9:30 this morning, so guess she didn't care as much as I thought.

The worst bit though is not knowing when I get to go back again. I had an amazing time being there, seeing people and going out and socialising. I kinda forgot how much fun it could be. I also kinda felt like I was finally back in the loop. Being away means that I only hear snippets of whats going on with my friends, and being there for almost three weeks meant I finally felt back in place and aware again. And I have no idea when I'll be back in England. End of May maybe? I honestly don't know, and that upsets me.

Anyway....to market, to market.

SURPRISE!!!

I've just returned from a weekend in Hull. Yeah I know I didn't mention specifics of it before I left but I had my reasons. Namely I wanted to surprise one of my friends and I have a feeling he occasionally dips in and out of this, and knowing my luck and his timing he would have read it before I went over.

I had a fantastic time. I can't really say much else without being repetitive, but I think I shall. I saw Batman for four days. Which I really really needed. It's kinda crazy how short a month is in comparison to the grand scale, but how long it can be when its what's standing between you and seeing someone who makes your whole world brighter. I spent my days seeing people and having food and coffee with friends I've missed more than I thought I could. I spent my nights with Batman and the other regular crew, drinking, watching movies, chilling out. And spent a lot of time just doing nothing in particular. But that's the way I like it.

I had some duties to attend to this weekend however. I had to meet the new girlfriend of not one but TWO of my close friends. And I'll be honest, one of them I was not looking forward to meeting, and I really didn't want to like. But I do. She's a nice girl, and she's good for him. Not entirely sure he's ready for her and what dating her means, but I like him. And the other one was quiet but seems nice. And he's happy, again thats all that matters.
My other duties were of the meet the parents variety. I was kind of nervous before hand, but once they arrived I realised I was being silly. Parents generally love me. We went for lunch, and I slowly gathered how this family works. Dad is relaxed and chilled and Mom is the stern captain of the ship. Or so it seems. Batman really looks like his Dad, and from the short time I spent with them, I think personality wise they're very similar too. I could be wrong. Supposedly they think I'm nice. Good start I hope.

Right, I'm damn cold and it's late. Sleep is a must. Photos of the weekend will follow soon.

Home Sweet Home

But is it?

I've been home a week now. And as much as I love my family, and I like this town, things are different. Things change. It's inevitable.

The take away I ate from every week as a kid and a teenager has been sold. The name has changed, along with it the look, the menu and the staff.

The amusement park I spent an awful lot of my teenage years in is completely different. Yes, every year there are new machines and old ones get taken away or traded, but this is almost a total overhaul. It's just weird.

The people that I spent hour upon hour upon hour with, gossiping, giggling, plotting - most of them are no longer here. People are what make a place, and without them this place has lost some of it's glow.

I love my family, I love spending time with them, but part of me feels that by being away so much I'm missing out on a lot. Little jokes, sarcastic comments I would have gotten three years ago, when my sisters and I had the same sense of humour, I no longer pick up on because I've changed. I am even having trouble understanding my kid sister and my next door neighbour. I have lost touch with the accent. That's how bad its gotten. And what am I doing to fix it? Sitting online, searching for jobs in the UK.
This is my home, the place I grew up in, the place I made a lot of kid decisions in. Now, as an adult - supposedly - making adult decisions, all I can think is how I want to go back to England. I always say how I dislike this small town; but I dislike big cities too. Cities are too impersonal. Small towns are way too intimate. Everyone knows everyones' business. It's a nightmare. But it's life I suppose. I haven't yet found a happy medium, but I'm sure gonna keep looking.

Number 80

It's been a while since I've written anything Huh? Truth is, I have nothing to write about. Well, I'm sure if I racked my brains I could find stuff to talk about, but is it worth writing? I'm having quite a disheartening time at the moment. Nothing seems to be working the way I want it to. I know it's partly my fault for not having more of a "go-get-'em" attitude, but I just feel like I won't be wanted by any employer. My degree is gonna be a 2.1 - I'm praying! It should be, but those last essays weren't my best work, I know it. And aside from that and the time with the ISA what have I got going for me?

People keep asking "So, what now?" And I feel like I'm 18 again, waiting for the LC results and telling people I'm not going to uni, that I don't want to. The looks I'm getting now from my peers are similar to the looks I got back then from my elders. The look of shock at the fact I had no idea what I wanted to do with myself or my life is similar to the look I'm getting now at the fact I have no real solid plans. I have a few vague ideas, but they are all dependant on other vague ideas being successful or falling through. People ask where I'm going to be and my answer is along the lines of "Somewhere in the south of Ireland or north of England." Because to be honest, that's about all I know right now. I had an interview for a job in a small village outside Manchester but was unsuccessful. That was the only positive line I had and it got cut. I have an offer to housesit in Northampton for a few months from August onwards, but do I want to move that far away? If I stay in England I'd kinda like to be near Hull. A lot of friends are sticking around here and it'd be nice to be able to visit easily. And I'm sure Northampton would be nice and I'd meet people and all that, but this is my home now.

Speaking of leaving Hull, I am getting so upset this week. I said goodbye to one of my best friends on Tuesday, and it's the last time I'll see him for God knows how long. I may see him in July when I come back for graduation, but then he may not be around as he's not graduating himself. If I come back next year for visits he'll be top of my list of people to see, but thats only an "if" I come back. I don't see why I wouldn't, but it doesn't stop it playing on my mind. Had we not said goodbye in the middle of the street I'm sure I would have cried. And I know I'm gonna cry either Wednesday or Thursday when I have to say goodbye to the guy I've been spending all my time with since exams ended. He and I have spent a ton of time together over the year and have gotten really close. He knows way too much about me. Since we both finished essays we've hung out almost every day, doing something - generally watching movies or just talking til God knows what time in the morning. Saying goodbye to him is going to be weird. Not seeing him on an almost daily basis is going to throw me.

Packing is proving to be difficult. I keep promising myself I'm going to sort my room, decide whats for charity, whats for friends and whats for home. So far I've gone through about a third of my clothes, some of my books and thats it. The books proved problematic, I don't want to get rid of barely any of them, but I am trying. Doesn't help that I keep finding more I want. I've bought about six books since I finished my degree. Not too bad, but thats about how many I bought for pleasure in the three years I was at uni. I've read four, am on number five. My favourite was one called Fup {the authors name escapes me right now} about a grandfather, his grandson and the duck they find and raise as a pet. It's just plain silly, can be read in about an hour. But thoroughly enjoyable.

Packing - thats what I was talking about, not books. Packing! The clothes and shoes are proving difficult too. I was in agony thinking about having to sort through my shoes. I have two pairs of boots I know I should throw out, but can't help thinking that the cobbler in Waterford might be able to fix them for me. Cause I don't want to throw them. I like them too much! But then there's shoes I've never worn, or only worn two or three times, and know I should throw, but there's the "What if?" potential to each shoe that makes me rethink it.

Anyway, I'm rambling. I should stop and go read. Or sort. Or pack. Or something.
Also, post 80! Who'd have thought.

Balls and Boyz!

Nici leaves tomorrow. It's been a good week, but flown by pretty quickly. I've loved having her here, though I'm not so sure she picked up on that. It's been a strange week for me, strange few weeks actually. I'm so lost about what to do. I keep making vague plans with friends and realising that really I can't agree to anything because I have no idea what I'll be doing or where I'll be doing it. People keep asking what I'm going to do, where I'm going to go, what my plans are....all I can do is shrug my shoulders, shake my head and tell them I have no idea. Seems like I'm not the only one though, which does make me feel that bit better.

Anyway, back to Nici, we had an interesting week. Lots of shopping, not many purchases. Lots of walking, not much sleep. And lots of music! Friday night was the Boyzone concert down in London, which despite my initial "Oh my god, what am I doing?" feelings, was a fantastic night. The two support acts were less than great but they were entertaining. The Boyz were brilliant. They may have aged, but so have their audience. I actually felt quite young while looking around me. The four women sat to my right were all well over 40.
There was one moment when I felt quite old however. One of the boyz was introducing a song and he made a comment about how it was 15 years since they had recorded it. FIFTEEN YEARS!!!! I was 8! Susan, Nici and I all looked at each other in shock and started laughing. It felt weird to know I've been listening to their music - albeit on and off - for that many years. Which means I was about 9 when I first saw them live in O'Sheas. Wow! But all in all, a good night. The trip down took us a lot longer than we would have liked, but thats mostly due to the fact we're not very competent travellers.

The End Of Year Ball was last night, and it ended up being quite a good night out. Not as much fun as last years ball, but still a brilliant night. Nici seemed to enjoy it too, which is good. Her, Tom and Roland seemed to have fun. I took - and Ben took - quite a few photos, so once I have them loaded I'll put some up. If for nothing else but the dresses. Which, I might add, it took me forever to find. I bought my dress for the ball at about 2pm yesterday afternoon. But it worked out well, I loved it. Was a little doubtful to begin with, but by the time the night was ending, I was in love with it.
As for events at the ball, one friend informed me I'm one of the most important women in his life, which made me feel happy. As simple as it sounds, it made me feel happy. He is one of the people I have met here that I intend to still be in touch with in my 60's. When, I might add, is about the time he thinks we'll end up getting married. Another close friend told me he thinks I'll be really close to his children. I told him I better be. His response was along the lines of: "Well, lets face it, you'll probably be their mother." Which is kinda sweet, in a weird way. I even managed to make one friend cry - well, almost - with words. We were talking, and yes he was a little drunk, and he said some sweet things, and I informed him that when we first met early in our first year he was a boy, and I've seen him grow into a man in the three years we've known each other. He smiled and almost cried. Which was nice payback, since he's one of the two people who have seen me cry in Hull.

Anyway, I'm gonna stop for now. Sleep is needed.

Three years...what now?

Thursday morning I handed in my essay on the works of Samuel Beckett, and once that green acceptance slip was in my hands I knew I had come to the end. My final essay. My final Third year essay. The end of my degree. Three years of living in Hull, three years of getting to know the people, the campus, the city and now it's all over. Put it in a box marked memories and put it on a shelf, to be peeked into sporadically over the rest of my life. It's a little bit sad really. But it hasn't really sunk in either. Give it a few weeks, when I have to start saying goodbye to people, then it'll sink in. Although, I did have to say goodbye to someone already. I was in Spiders last night and I met a friend who was leaving today. He finished on Wednesday and having no job, no money and nothing to do made the decision to go home. That was a little strange.

On a brighter note, my sister is coming to visit in just over a week. Can't wait to see her, and can't wait to have her here. Have a lot planned for the week she's here, we'll both be knackered by the end of it but what harm!

Food & Friends

I've already said that my trip home has consisted of a lot of food, and it hasn't changed. I'm still eating way too much food, but its sooo good.

I have a bit of a problem. I've a close friend who is, well, for want of a better phrase absolutely wrecking my head lately. I can't be around her without wanting to leave. She has finally picked up that there's something wrong, and she keeps asking, but I can't give her any reply other than I'm fine. I don't want to talk to her. About anything. I dunno, maybe I've just grown impatient with people. I've not spoken to one of my best friends in over a month because he just got on my last nerve. He is a hard guy to handle at the best of times, but I am a patient person and I love him, so I've stuck with him throughout uni. But since Christmas he had been making me feel guilty and feel like the things I did, the things I poured my heart into, the things that I spent my spare time working on were unimportant and pointless in his eyes. Which made me feel belittled and hurt. I couldn't get over it, and every time we spoke he made me feel worse. So I eventually screamed at him down the phone, to the point where he hung up. We've not spoken since.

I miss him. Which sounds silly, cause of the way he was treating me, but I do. He has this terrible habit of knowing what to say to make me see sense. Knowing what to say to make me feel like I'm not worthy, or not bright, or not aware of whats going on in front of me. I know sometimes I can be naive but its not as bad as makes out.

I'm rambling, guess I haven't made up my mind about what to do about the boy. My life is definately not the same without him in it, but do I want someone in my life who makes me feel like that?? To be fair, he can also cheer me up when no one else can, and he makes me smile and laugh and we can talk. But.....when I weigh up both sides, which one wins?

Baking, Rock Music & Girlfriends!

Being back at university seems to be taking its toll on me, but I don't think its neccisarily a bad thing. I've had trouble sleeping the past few nights, but it has caused me to be more productive. Last night I was awake until after three, and awake again this morning at about 9:30, but it meant that I finished reading a play and am now about a third of the way through another book. However I'm also baking a lot, and listening to my heavy/rocky music. I baked sugar cookies last week, apple crumble yesterday and am going to try skins and garlic and bacon sauce today. Assuming I don't burn the kitchen down while trying to cook the skins! But the music mixed with the baking isn't a good sign. When I listen to this kinda music {Nickleback, Rasmus, Def Leppard} while doing something creative like baking or painting, it usually means I'm feeling stressed and need a release. Either that or I want to do something....different!! But when it happens one session usually fixes everything....not this time. I'm on baking effort three and still feeling tense and wound up. Maybe I'm just looking for the right kind of junk food to make me feel right again!

Monday was my first class for the semester. Yesterday I had my second, and my third and fourth ones are on Friday. So today and tomorrow are free. I had intended to put them to good use and be productive, so far it's not going too well. It's ok, but not great. Fingers crossed that I'll get some inspiration later on this evening. I was sitting in my Prose Portfolio class on Monday, and kept thinking to myself that I have no idea what to write for the class. I have a 5000 word piece due in May, which can be one of three things, either one long short story, the beginning of a novel or novella, or a collection of short shorts, which must all be connected somehow. Where to begin? How to begin? I'm scared.

And now for something totally unrelated. I have discovered a new pet peeve - girlfriends!! As a general observation, most of my friends are of the male variety. I have a handful of female friends, who I can see on a regular basis and not want to decapitate. But in general I have always gotten on well with guys and my male friends outweigh my female ones at least 3 to 1. Now this wouldn't be a problem in and of itself, but it's when you include the girlfriends into the equation that we get the problem. Supposedly I am a threat. One friend of mine cannot say hello to me in the street if he is with his girlfriend because she will throw a strop at him for it; another can talk to me and see me, there's no problem there, but his girlfriend has made it fairly obvious to me that he is 'her man' and not available. Little things she does, like wrapping her arm around his when we talk, or laying her head on his shoulder....just making sure I'm aware they're together. A message to her: I am aware.
How in the hell can I be a threat? Am I being punished for being a friendly, chatty, outgoing person now?? Can't I do anything right?