Progress Report Part 2

A friend of mine has bought a house. One of the guys I was friends with in school, less than a year older than me, has bought a house. Well, the offer was accepted, he's waiting on an engineers report and the like, but he's bought a house. I can barely afford to buy new clothes and he has bought a house. About 200 yards away from his parents house, but it will be his own place. A place he can retire to and enjoy and call his own.

This bothers me a bit. I'm freaking out a little about having spent what I consider to be a small fortune on clothes in the last two weeks, but it was mostly required. I doubt my employers would be keen on my coming to work in clothes with inappropriate holes in them.

A house! I mean, I'm delighted for him, he deserves it, the jammy sod, but he does. He worked hard to get where he is. One of the few people who has managed to land a permanent job doing what he was trained to do in the current awful job situation. So good for him. But it makes me wonder what am I doing wrong? And if I was given the chance, would I change anything?

Progress Report

I've been thinking about writing here for a while. Not entirely sure what about but I need an outlet. Without being too emo-y I've been down and cranky and just a general b**** for the previous few days - my apologies to all who incurred my wrath - and I need somewhere to talk about it. And since I'm not so good at the one to one honesty thing, this is gonna be it me thinks. Though I do say that a lot don't I? That I intend to write here more often? It hasn't been as regular as I had once hoped, but I guess I didn't have a lot to say. And all my problems seem to just repeat themselves.

I realised today that I have been working in my current job for exactly a year. I started there at the end of September 2008. Its now the end of September 2009 and I am still exactly where I started. The only difference is I now work more hours and have more of my loan paid off than I did a year ago. Thats it. The only obvious progression in my life in the last year is the dent in my student loan.

And its not that big a dent.

Quiet night in.

Wasn't supposed to be. I was actually kinda looking forward to going out tonight, which is unusual for me. But I've been bailed on, sort of. The girl I was supposed to go out with went to a friends house to have a couple of drinks first, and she's still there. I've been invited, but there's a reason I don't really hang out with people I went to school with so I declined. She did say she'd tell me when they head out, and that it'll be in the next hour. That was 40 minutes ago. I wouldn't mind so much if I hadn't gone to the trouble of getting ready. So I am sat here, all dressed up and no place to go. Another reason to move back to the Uk. Even with the number of friends I have there dwindling with people moving home after graduation or whatever, I'd still be able to go out on a Saturday night if I wanted to. There'd be someone to call if something like this happened. I went through my phone here to see who there was I could call, see if they were out already and I could join them. I came up with 2. Neither of whom are available.

I know I could go out and would probably meet someone I knew in the bar, but its not the same. I can't just latch onto another group, that's not my way. I'd feel out of place if I did that. I'm not the greatest at integrating well. It takes me time.

On a brighter note, I'm hopefully going to Edinburgh for a few days towards the end of October with one of the girls. I'm starting to really look forward to it and we haven't even booked anything yet!! I keep telling her it'll be freezing there at that time of year but her response is just that she'll wrap up well! My kinda girl!

Long awaited return

Or is it?

Been a while since I've visited here. I've actually been kinda busy, for a change. Works been keeping me mental, as one of the girls got a grown up job and left, leaving me by myself to do all the monkey work, and they didn't get around to replacing her until a few weeks ago. Then with the other women I work with taking holidays I was covering other shifts left right and center. Not complaining, I need the money, but man I was tired. So Batman and I planned a few weeks together. He came to visit the homestead for the first time, and then I went back to the Uk with him for two weeks. It was so nice to be away from everything for a while. And nice to be together to celebrate our 1 year. Imagine! I got to a year in a relationship - with the same guy the whole time! I'm more surprised that he still wants to be here than anything else. I figured he'd have run a mile by now, but apparently not.

I did start freaking out a bit though. Its been a year for feck sake. I don't do this. And admittedly now I'm worried more about whats ahead than I was before. I have no plans. I thought I had, but nothing has worked so far. The teaching thing fell through, seems no one wanted me. And this current job is fine, but man its driving me crazy. I've been back from the Uk for two days and have avoided contacting them. I figure they'll ring me when they need me to come in. They know I'm back. I know I need to go, I need the money {sensing a pattern?} but I just don't want to do it anymore. I am sick of the small minded gossipy nature of the shop, and the internal politics and bitching. I am actually reconsidering an idea I had when I was 18, to become a mechanic. I hate working with women, so an almost all male environment would be ideal. I can actually deal with the sexist stuff easier than the gossipy crap.

Enough venting, and onto my favourite topic. Books!!

I went to see the movie of Neil Gaiman's Coraline recently, and it was good but, it's got to be said, the book is better. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed the movie, and as a kids movie its pretty creepy and very detailed and the art is beautiful, but I enjoyed the book that bit more.

I've moved onto a new author this month. Melissa Marr. As Batman and I were going through Dublin airport, we stopped in a bookshop, as is the norm for us. And a book called Wicked Lovely caught his attention. The tag on the cover said "So compelling it will give Twilight a run for its money." Now I haven't read the Twilight series {yet} but if this book could claim that on the cover, I figured it was worth the €8.99. And man was it. I loved it. Could hardly bare to put it down some nights. Its the story of a girl called Aisling who can see faeries, as could her mother and grandmother, and how one faery in particular seems to have taken a liking to her. Drama unfolds! Its aimed at teenage girls, like the Twilight series, but I gotta admit, I loved it so much I went and purchased part 2 and 3 a mere week and a half after picking up the first one. I started the third one this afternoon! They are a little addictive. But better addicted to books than, well, an awful lot else.

I think I may have a slight obsessive nature. Just an ickle one.

Obsessed

So a little over a year ago I was introduced to the workings of the mind of Neil Gaiman. It started with seeing the movie Stardust - five or six times - and then being given a gift of the book of the same name and thoroughly enjoying it. So then I looked into him some more, and have since read American Gods, Anansi Boys, The Graveyard Book, Coraline and most recently Neverwhere. His books are the kind of things I wish I had the brian power to read. His mind just baffles me. I would hate to be lost inside it for any length of time. The detail in his writing, his style, the way his words just flow across the page. His childrens books {the two I've read} are a bit bizarre and you wouldn't read them to younger children for fear of frightening them, but wow are they amazing.

I read his books and feel at a loss. I have always wanted to write a book, preferably a kids books, but I've never come up with an idea strong enough to put to paper. When I read Gaiman's work I feel less than adequate when it comes to my writing. Why would anyone consider reading my material when there are novels such as his in the world already?

Home again, home again...

...jiggidy jig.

I went to Hull almost three weeks ago for a weekend. I got home yesterday. When it got to the day before I was supposed to come home, I couldn't bear to leave. I know, silly right? But I feel so much better being there. Its not that I'm unhappy at home, I'm just that bit happier in England. I have people to see and places I can go when I'm sick of being stuck in the house. I have people I trust and can talk to. And being able to see Batman whenever I want helps things too.

So I postponed my flights for two weeks. No one on this side of the water seemed happy about it; everyone on the English side was delighted. I even had Jason offer to 'steal' my bag with passport and flights in it, and then ring my mom saying he'd found the phone etc in the bag he stole, so I wouldn't be coming home. However I figured that just telling her myself would be a better option. She was delighted for me at first, but when I rang again the following weekend, she didn't sound so positive. And my boss was so unimpressed that I figured I wouldn't have a job when I got back. But I was in work at 9:30 this morning, so guess she didn't care as much as I thought.

The worst bit though is not knowing when I get to go back again. I had an amazing time being there, seeing people and going out and socialising. I kinda forgot how much fun it could be. I also kinda felt like I was finally back in the loop. Being away means that I only hear snippets of whats going on with my friends, and being there for almost three weeks meant I finally felt back in place and aware again. And I have no idea when I'll be back in England. End of May maybe? I honestly don't know, and that upsets me.

Anyway....to market, to market.

A Wreck

I'm not sure what to blame for the high emotions of the past two weeks. It could possible be that I'm over worked and not sleeping enough. It could be women stuff. It could be that I left Hull after Valentines weekend wishing I wasn't leaving; I sat in the departure lounge trying to work out if it made sense to walk back out of the airport, without getting on the plane. It could be that I'm due back in Hull in a matter of days and I don't feel like I'm wanted. I know that I am, but knowing something and feeling something are different at times. Batman's been really busy and quiet lately, add the distance to the mix and my crazy mindset and it doesn't make things easy. Why he still puts up with me I'll never understand. I must drive him up the wall sometimes, yet he still wants me there.

Anyway...enough of that. I finally sent off my application for the teaching course. I'm scared to do it, but it's sent. Not an hour ago, but it is sent. Now all I can do is wait.

I've been up the walls the last two weeks, picking little fights with people, crying at the drop of a hat and over the stupidest things, I'm tense and angry, and I don't know why. And I also think I'm sick, I'm either freezing cold or boiling. I can't seem to find a happy medium. I want to up and leave but I can't go anywhere, I have no money. I want to be in England, but I can't afford to stay for long because there are no jobs and I have no money.

Man my complaints are repetitive aren't they!?