Christmas Is Coming

I love Christmas. I really do. I love the lights; I love the crisp weather; I love writing cards and wrapping presents; I love baking seasonal food. This year though I'm feeling a bit anxious. I have made a decision. I have booked a one way flight to the Uk, leaving here before New Years, to try and start afresh.

And I am scared s***less. I don't know how its gonna turn out. I might be lucky and land a job. Or I might be like the hundreds of other graduates who are stuck sitting on their behinds wasting days because there are no jobs to be had. But there's no way of finding out if I can get a job in England while I'm sitting around in Ireland. But I am scared about having nothing to do. I do not suffer boredom well. I eat and become lathargic. Which then leads to not job hunting properly, if at all.

There's a double reason for my going though. Batman and I have been dating across an overly small ocean for two and a half years, so I figure its about time we tried to date while in the same city. But I am more nervous about that than anything else. I am nervous that it will turn sour; that we will come to realise we only worked because we were apart most of the time.

I guess only time will tell.

Stuck in a rut

This seems to be turning into a place for me to whinge, which is not what I had intended for it at all. But sometimes its what you need. So if you do read, forgive me.

Recently I've started to assess things in my life. I don't know what I want anymore. From anything.

As a child, I had plenty of dreams. I was going to own a mobile steakhouse, own a bookshop, and be a writer. All at the same time. Lately I can't string two sentences together let alone whole passages. And as for the steakhouse - I'm no closer now than I was when I was seven. Only now, I can actually cook a steak. And there may be enough books in the house to make it resemble a bookstore, but unfortunately I haven't managed that one yet either.

As I got older, dreams changed. As is normal for most people. Only a select few know what they want to do from childhood and follow it through. Of those select I am highly envious. I would love to have known at a young age exactly what I wanted to be. I would love to have had the initiative and forward planning as a teenager to take subjects that would be useful in my future. Instead I took subjects I enjoyed. Imagine! So now I have a degree in a subject that is about as useful to me as juggling shards of glass would be to a carpenter. (Awful analogy I am aware.)

I am stuck in such a rut that I can't seem to get out of. I work, I sleep, I work, I sleep. I bake when I'm stressed, I eat what I bake. Eating baked goods doesn't help with the feeling bad about the weight issue, so I then eat more. Its a horrible horrible cycle. And I'm stuck.

Offers or suggestions welcome.

Pet Hates: Part Deux

So, I actually have a lot to talk about aside from bad spelling, but first things first.

Today, two young boys from the local secondary school came into the shop. They looked to be about 12 or 13. They asked could they put up a poster. No problem. So a short while later, I took a look at said poster. They were advertising a dog-sitting service. From memory, it went something like this: (mis-spellings intended)

"Are you gooing on holaday?

Dog owerner avalilable to look after your dog."

I say 'from memory' because all I can remember are the awful spellings. I think the local schools should hang their heads in shame if that is the powerful level of spelling they are producing.

Pet hates

Little things bother me. And I think talking things through helps with stress and tension. So, I am going to use this post to complain. So I ask your forgiveness for my indulgence.

Being called 'The Lady' at work. Having customers use me as the bad guy in their family scenario. When a parent tells their young child that they have to put something back because 'The lady will get angry' it makes me feel like the parent doesn't have the courage to stand up to their own child. If they use something like 'it belongs to the lady' or 'it can't be sold to kids under 10' I don't mind so much. Its claiming that I will become angry with them if they don't put it back that bothers me. They are using me as the disciplinarian, when that is supposed to be their job. I know I am not a parent, but I feel parents want to be friends with their children, and not a parent to them. I understand wanting to be their friends, but their first role is that of parent.

Seeing obvious spelling mistakes. There is a pharmacy on the main street, and I pass it at least twice a day to and from work. A year or so ago, they redid the shop front, new paint, new signage, it looked wonderful. Aside from one teeny tiny thing. The word 'precriptions' on one of the shop windows. It made me laugh. The first time anyway. I even considered going in and telling them. My guess was the signwriter was to blame. However seeing it frequently it bothered me. Summer came, and they placed beautiful window boxes on the windowsills, hiding the offending signage. A few months later, when the window boxes were removed, they had replaced the 'precriptions' with 'prescriptions'. Only took six months.

There are more, but I'll get to them another time.

Last day

Tomorrow I officially leave behind the first quarter of a century of my life. I am turning 26. Doesn't feel any different to any other birthday, and why should it? Although the amount I'm baking recently it would seem it might be affecting me ever so slightly.

I think I've mentioned this before but I bake when I'm stressed or upset or angry. When I'm channeling bad emotions. Baking clears my head, calms me down, and gives a sweet treat at the end of it. So its all good.

Last night I baked chocolate and raspberry brownies. They started out as white chocolate and raspberry brownies but the white chocolate melted and the dark chocolate merged into one and there was no trace of white in the finished product. But it really didn't matter.

When they were ready and cut in squares, they were still warm. The raspberries were juicy and squishy and warm. The brownie was a chocolate overload - in a good sense - and kind of gooey in the middle and crunchy on top...just the way I like them. But wow. Luscious was the word my mum used. Several times. And for a woman who doesn't eat many sweet things, she went back for a second...and a third.

In hindsight, I wish I had taken a photo. But I doubt it'll be too long before I make them again, so I'll take a photo then - perhaps with white chocolate actually visible - and post it then.

Post script: Have to say thanks to Aoife in work for passing the recipe my way, and to Rachel Allen for publishing it.

Food

So it seems that food is the only language I understand. That would explain why I'm overweight.

New Room

I have spent a lot of my time over the last two weeks redecorating my bedroom. It has been the same since I was about 14 or 15. Not entirely sure when I changed it. But I figured ten years was about enough for the stars.

So, time for a change. My initial plan was to go red, black and white. One deep red wall, three white. White ceiling and black accents. Edgings etc. And with a small design on the red wall. The basic idea has changed, but the colours began to mutate as the process progressed.

White became TOO white. And the red too red. And together a bit too cold. So I mixed it up a little bit. The red wall turned to raspberry, and the white walls to a warm pale cream. The official names of the colours are Raspberry Rush and Picket Fence. Gotta say, I love them.

When I first applied the raspberry to the stark white wall it freaked me out a bit. It was just SO pink. But two coats later and its warm and deep and just so right.

The idea of the edging and design in a dark colour is still there in the back of my mind, but right now I can't decide on a colour. Chocolate brown has been suggested, and I bought four different testers, but none of them match up just right. I need it to be just right. So I may have to spend a few more weeks scouring the paint stores trying to find the right colour. When I have, and have also decided on a design for the wall, I'll update more pictures.