Valentines Day

A day for love; for romance; for being over the top about the one that you're lucky enough to be with. So I did what I do best....I baked. Valentines cookies.
The paler ones are yummy sugar cookies, a recipe borrowed from my sister. The darker ones are chocolate cookies, the recipe gotten here. They were fun to make, and fun to eat. I drizzled white chocolate over them once they were cooled, to give them that little something more. To make them a touch more interesting. I tried writing on a number of them, but they didn't turn out quite right. More practice I believe.


The day itself was fairly typical. Batman cooked for me, which is always nice. As a day it wasn't what I was expecting, but when do Holidays turn out like you thought they would?

Stuck in a rut

This seems to be turning into a place for me to whinge, which is not what I had intended for it at all. But sometimes its what you need. So if you do read, forgive me.

Recently I've started to assess things in my life. I don't know what I want anymore. From anything.

As a child, I had plenty of dreams. I was going to own a mobile steakhouse, own a bookshop, and be a writer. All at the same time. Lately I can't string two sentences together let alone whole passages. And as for the steakhouse - I'm no closer now than I was when I was seven. Only now, I can actually cook a steak. And there may be enough books in the house to make it resemble a bookstore, but unfortunately I haven't managed that one yet either.

As I got older, dreams changed. As is normal for most people. Only a select few know what they want to do from childhood and follow it through. Of those select I am highly envious. I would love to have known at a young age exactly what I wanted to be. I would love to have had the initiative and forward planning as a teenager to take subjects that would be useful in my future. Instead I took subjects I enjoyed. Imagine! So now I have a degree in a subject that is about as useful to me as juggling shards of glass would be to a carpenter. (Awful analogy I am aware.)

I am stuck in such a rut that I can't seem to get out of. I work, I sleep, I work, I sleep. I bake when I'm stressed, I eat what I bake. Eating baked goods doesn't help with the feeling bad about the weight issue, so I then eat more. Its a horrible horrible cycle. And I'm stuck.

Offers or suggestions welcome.

Last day

Tomorrow I officially leave behind the first quarter of a century of my life. I am turning 26. Doesn't feel any different to any other birthday, and why should it? Although the amount I'm baking recently it would seem it might be affecting me ever so slightly.

I think I've mentioned this before but I bake when I'm stressed or upset or angry. When I'm channeling bad emotions. Baking clears my head, calms me down, and gives a sweet treat at the end of it. So its all good.

Last night I baked chocolate and raspberry brownies. They started out as white chocolate and raspberry brownies but the white chocolate melted and the dark chocolate merged into one and there was no trace of white in the finished product. But it really didn't matter.

When they were ready and cut in squares, they were still warm. The raspberries were juicy and squishy and warm. The brownie was a chocolate overload - in a good sense - and kind of gooey in the middle and crunchy on top...just the way I like them. But wow. Luscious was the word my mum used. Several times. And for a woman who doesn't eat many sweet things, she went back for a second...and a third.

In hindsight, I wish I had taken a photo. But I doubt it'll be too long before I make them again, so I'll take a photo then - perhaps with white chocolate actually visible - and post it then.

Post script: Have to say thanks to Aoife in work for passing the recipe my way, and to Rachel Allen for publishing it.

Glutton

Been a while since I was here last. I think it's partly because I don't have a lot to write about, and I feel like I'm just repeating myself. Still no job, still at home, still missing Hull and still baking. In the past few weeks I have baked chocolate biscuit cake; chocolate chip cookies; apple & strawberry crumble; lemon & yogurt cake; salsa; chocolate cake and shortbread. Lots of shortbread. That one was good. And tonight I tried muffins, which didn't turn out so great. I know myself it's a coping mechanism. I get bored or stressed or depressed and I bake. Generally something sweet that I can use to stuff my face. I am a comfort eater. I always have been. It's such a bad thing. Especially since I'm not walking nearly as much here as I would in England. I need to start going walking every day, instead of once or twice a week.

But on the upside, I am going to Dublin in a few days to firstly help out at a Higher Options Conference. Someone I know from Hull Uni contacted me about it a few weeks ago, its three days of standing and convincing secondary school students that Hull Uni is an amazing place for Irish people to be! Which it is! I am testament to that. And secondly to spend time with the girls who live up there. And lastly {and probably most importantly} someone's coming over from Hull for the weekend to see me. Which I can't wait for! Oh, and a trip to the Zoo with my lil sister and some others. Photos will follow I'm sure.

On a totally different note, my nephew and Godson started big school. He looks so cute in his uniform, it's adorable, IF a little weird. Still getting used to it. Stranger still is that two girls I went to school with are the teachers of his class and the other junior infants class. It's odd going to pick him up and seeing them at the doors of the school; the same school I spent 6 years at!

Choices

It's been a bit of an odd week. After the election results on Thursday night I decided to take things in my stride. I spent the weekend primarily by myself, which suited me fine. I worked, I read, I baked. I even made a to-do list, and managed to cross more than half the points off. I felt quite good about things. I didn't get a chance to really think about my future. But that suited me fine. I don't really want to think about what to do. I've spent the past week avoiding the idea. People keep asking, and I tell everyone something different. One person I told I was hoping to go home and work on a new local paper - which is a possibility. Another person I mentioned that I may move to Australia - which is again a possibility. But who knows where I'll end up or what I'll end up doing.

I also think I may have made myself ill. I've been feeling tired, run down and generally not 100% for a few days, which culminated in me having a headache for the duration of today and sleeping badly the past few nights. I think this trip home will do me the world of good. Roll on Wednesday!!

I said I baked - here's the proof. Brown Butter Cookies with chocolate. They were really really good. But really small - shaped in a teaspoon. I'm thinking of making bigger ones and decorating them like Easter eggs for the boys for Easter weekend, if I manage it I'll take photos.

Baking, Rock Music & Girlfriends!

Being back at university seems to be taking its toll on me, but I don't think its neccisarily a bad thing. I've had trouble sleeping the past few nights, but it has caused me to be more productive. Last night I was awake until after three, and awake again this morning at about 9:30, but it meant that I finished reading a play and am now about a third of the way through another book. However I'm also baking a lot, and listening to my heavy/rocky music. I baked sugar cookies last week, apple crumble yesterday and am going to try skins and garlic and bacon sauce today. Assuming I don't burn the kitchen down while trying to cook the skins! But the music mixed with the baking isn't a good sign. When I listen to this kinda music {Nickleback, Rasmus, Def Leppard} while doing something creative like baking or painting, it usually means I'm feeling stressed and need a release. Either that or I want to do something....different!! But when it happens one session usually fixes everything....not this time. I'm on baking effort three and still feeling tense and wound up. Maybe I'm just looking for the right kind of junk food to make me feel right again!

Monday was my first class for the semester. Yesterday I had my second, and my third and fourth ones are on Friday. So today and tomorrow are free. I had intended to put them to good use and be productive, so far it's not going too well. It's ok, but not great. Fingers crossed that I'll get some inspiration later on this evening. I was sitting in my Prose Portfolio class on Monday, and kept thinking to myself that I have no idea what to write for the class. I have a 5000 word piece due in May, which can be one of three things, either one long short story, the beginning of a novel or novella, or a collection of short shorts, which must all be connected somehow. Where to begin? How to begin? I'm scared.

And now for something totally unrelated. I have discovered a new pet peeve - girlfriends!! As a general observation, most of my friends are of the male variety. I have a handful of female friends, who I can see on a regular basis and not want to decapitate. But in general I have always gotten on well with guys and my male friends outweigh my female ones at least 3 to 1. Now this wouldn't be a problem in and of itself, but it's when you include the girlfriends into the equation that we get the problem. Supposedly I am a threat. One friend of mine cannot say hello to me in the street if he is with his girlfriend because she will throw a strop at him for it; another can talk to me and see me, there's no problem there, but his girlfriend has made it fairly obvious to me that he is 'her man' and not available. Little things she does, like wrapping her arm around his when we talk, or laying her head on his shoulder....just making sure I'm aware they're together. A message to her: I am aware.
How in the hell can I be a threat? Am I being punished for being a friendly, chatty, outgoing person now?? Can't I do anything right?