Late Night

It is currently 1:20 am - well, technically it is 2:20 am as the clocks are springing forward tonight. But I don't feel much like springing. Or celebrating. Or doing anything that might indicate that I feel alright or happy.

It has been a roller coaster of a month, and it ain't over yet. At the beginning I was in a relationship that was healthy, happy and had a bright future. Now? Now I am in limbo with a man who couldn't make a decision if his life depended on it.

It's been a four year roller coaster ride. But the kind of ride that even at the scariest moment, when you're screaming so hard your lungs hurt, you still know deep down that you're safe. But maybe it's been too safe.

I feel like I have run myself ragged trying to make him love me. He is the quiet silent type, and I am not. I like to talk. I like to listen. I like to know what the people closest to me are thinking; what they're worried about; what they want from life; what they dream about. So I caused problems in our four years by asking too many questions. But he caused problems by not answering them. Or not talking at all.

Relationships are tricky. Granted I'm still relatively young at 27, but I have had my fair share of strange, complicated relationships. And because of that now I know what I want. So is it wrong of me to be forward about what I want and what I think I deserve? I don't think I should have to fight so hard to be loved. All I ask for is conversation, honesty and a bit of romance from time to time. And to be first choice.

I believe that if you've found someone you want to grow old with, you should make sure that they know every day that no one else compares. I have made sure, every day, that he knows how important and special he is to me. All I ask is the same in return. I'm starting to think I may have been wasting my breath.

Sunshine....On my window....

....makes me happy, like I should be. We have had some absolutely beautiful days this week. The sun has been shining, its been almost cloudless skies, squirrels are starting to move about again and everything is green and bright. I love Spring! But, if I believe all I hear, we are due about 2 or 3 cms of snow over the weekend. How nuts is that? There goes my plan for sitting in the park with my book on Sunday. I have been taking some nice shots of the park and ducks and such, once I have them loaded I'll add some.
I got the essay done, not the best I've ever written but not the worst, so we'll see how it goes. One down, four to go. I think very shortly I will have no life outside of these four essays and classes. I know I need to keep a balance or I'll go mad, as it is I haven't gotten that balance right yet. I keep making social dates...coffee or drinks or meals....just things to keep me away from my work. So that has got to change.
Oh, and I'm adding another guy to the list. Another guy with a girlfriend has decided he likes me. Flattered. But....why is it always the taken ones I attract? Can't I find a single guy who likes me? Just once, that'd be nice.