Late Night

It is currently 1:20 am - well, technically it is 2:20 am as the clocks are springing forward tonight. But I don't feel much like springing. Or celebrating. Or doing anything that might indicate that I feel alright or happy.

It has been a roller coaster of a month, and it ain't over yet. At the beginning I was in a relationship that was healthy, happy and had a bright future. Now? Now I am in limbo with a man who couldn't make a decision if his life depended on it.

It's been a four year roller coaster ride. But the kind of ride that even at the scariest moment, when you're screaming so hard your lungs hurt, you still know deep down that you're safe. But maybe it's been too safe.

I feel like I have run myself ragged trying to make him love me. He is the quiet silent type, and I am not. I like to talk. I like to listen. I like to know what the people closest to me are thinking; what they're worried about; what they want from life; what they dream about. So I caused problems in our four years by asking too many questions. But he caused problems by not answering them. Or not talking at all.

Relationships are tricky. Granted I'm still relatively young at 27, but I have had my fair share of strange, complicated relationships. And because of that now I know what I want. So is it wrong of me to be forward about what I want and what I think I deserve? I don't think I should have to fight so hard to be loved. All I ask for is conversation, honesty and a bit of romance from time to time. And to be first choice.

I believe that if you've found someone you want to grow old with, you should make sure that they know every day that no one else compares. I have made sure, every day, that he knows how important and special he is to me. All I ask is the same in return. I'm starting to think I may have been wasting my breath.

Question Time

I have a question. Am I the only one that suffers from feeling like you're still a child and have no idea about what's going on around you? That things are passing you by in some "adult world" and you're just a bystander? If I'm not the only one, does it ever go away? I've been feeling like that a lot lately. Like somehow I went through a secret door and ended up in an adult land with no clue whats going on and no idea how to navigate my way around it. How do people do it? How do they carry on a normal seeming existence when there is so much crap going on around them? At the moment I am trying to juggle several different things - committees, uni work, elections, seeing people - and still having to be my normal cheery self. It's not easy. A close friend of mine keeps asking if I'm okay, and up until today I would just reply yeah fine! Today she phrased it differently, she asked "I know it's a question you don't like hearing, but are you okay?" My response was "Then do us a favour and stop asking it!" She laughed. I was serious. It really annoys me when it's obvious that I'm not and don't want to talk about it. She should know me well enough to know that.

Anyway! Think I'm done with that tangent - for the time being.

Elections are coming up fast. Three weeks. January 26th the polls open. I'm scared! I went to see the guy who is currently in the position I'm running for yesterday and he showed me some bits and pieces so I can get an idea of what he does. I took some of the material away with me and had a better look at it today, and I can honestly say I don't think I understood even a quarter of what was written on it. Yes I know that I would get full training for the position if I won the place, but the question is do I really want to have to go through learning all of that stuff? It all read like gobbledegook to me. I'm going to go and talk to him again on Monday and discuss it with him. The nomination forms have to be in by midday Tuesday so I'll have it filled in and in my bag, and if talking to him about it convinces me then I'll go and hand it in. No turning back once thats done!