It's been a while since I've written anything Huh? Truth is, I have nothing to write about. Well, I'm sure if I racked my brains I could find stuff to talk about, but is it worth writing? I'm having quite a disheartening time at the moment. Nothing seems to be working the way I want it to. I know it's partly my fault for not having more of a "go-get-'em" attitude, but I just feel like I won't be wanted by any employer. My degree is gonna be a 2.1 - I'm praying! It should be, but those last essays weren't my best work, I know it. And aside from that and the time with the ISA what have I got going for me?
People keep asking "So, what now?" And I feel like I'm 18 again, waiting for the LC results and telling people I'm not going to uni, that I don't want to. The looks I'm getting now from my peers are similar to the looks I got back then from my elders. The look of shock at the fact I had no idea what I wanted to do with myself or my life is similar to the look I'm getting now at the fact I have no real solid plans. I have a few vague ideas, but they are all dependant on other vague ideas being successful or falling through. People ask where I'm going to be and my answer is along the lines of "Somewhere in the south of Ireland or north of England." Because to be honest, that's about all I know right now. I had an interview for a job in a small village outside Manchester but was unsuccessful. That was the only positive line I had and it got cut. I have an offer to housesit in Northampton for a few months from August onwards, but do I want to move that far away? If I stay in England I'd kinda like to be near Hull. A lot of friends are sticking around here and it'd be nice to be able to visit easily. And I'm sure Northampton would be nice and I'd meet people and all that, but this is my home now.
Speaking of leaving Hull, I am getting so upset this week. I said goodbye to one of my best friends on Tuesday, and it's the last time I'll see him for God knows how long. I may see him in July when I come back for graduation, but then he may not be around as he's not graduating himself. If I come back next year for visits he'll be top of my list of people to see, but thats only an "if" I come back. I don't see why I wouldn't, but it doesn't stop it playing on my mind. Had we not said goodbye in the middle of the street I'm sure I would have cried. And I know I'm gonna cry either Wednesday or Thursday when I have to say goodbye to the guy I've been spending all my time with since exams ended. He and I have spent a ton of time together over the year and have gotten really close. He knows way too much about me. Since we both finished essays we've hung out almost every day, doing something - generally watching movies or just talking til God knows what time in the morning. Saying goodbye to him is going to be weird. Not seeing him on an almost daily basis is going to throw me.
Packing is proving to be difficult. I keep promising myself I'm going to sort my room, decide whats for charity, whats for friends and whats for home. So far I've gone through about a third of my clothes, some of my books and thats it. The books proved problematic, I don't want to get rid of barely any of them, but I am trying. Doesn't help that I keep finding more I want. I've bought about six books since I finished my degree. Not too bad, but thats about how many I bought for pleasure in the three years I was at uni. I've read four, am on number five. My favourite was one called Fup {the authors name escapes me right now} about a grandfather, his grandson and the duck they find and raise as a pet. It's just plain silly, can be read in about an hour. But thoroughly enjoyable.
Packing - thats what I was talking about, not books. Packing! The clothes and shoes are proving difficult too. I was in agony thinking about having to sort through my shoes. I have two pairs of boots I know I should throw out, but can't help thinking that the cobbler in Waterford might be able to fix them for me. Cause I don't want to throw them. I like them too much! But then there's shoes I've never worn, or only worn two or three times, and know I should throw, but there's the "What if?" potential to each shoe that makes me rethink it.
Anyway, I'm rambling. I should stop and go read. Or sort. Or pack. Or something.
Also, post 80! Who'd have thought.
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