Late night rambles.

I have just come home from the 21st of someone who means the world to me. He is my pseudo little brother and I love him like a real one, but I just couldn't stay. I just felt so out of place, I was sitting with my parents despite the fact I knew about half the room.

Its almost exactly three years since my own 21st, followed by my move to England; my leap into the unknown. I guess tonight felt strange because it was like proving to myself that all the steps I've taken to move on with my life in the past three years have been for nothing because I am right back where I started. Moving away was such a big thing for me, even though I tried to make out that it wasn't. It felt right and scared as I was I knew it was the best thing for me. And I have had some adventures away, I have some stories to tell and yes, I earned a degree while I was away but I think the most important thing I did over the last three years was discover myself - as cliched as that sounds! I am two very different people at home and in Hull. Very alike, but yet very very different. And I don't like the person I am at home. Not anymore.

In Hull I am a social butterfly. Its rare that a day goes by where I don't have some form of plan for the day. To see someone for coffee or a movie or dinner, but here its even rarer that such plans exist. I spend every day at home with my parents who don't seem to get that I just want them to leave me be, my sister who I love to bits but who I am terribly jealous of. She is in Tramore the way I am in Hull, and I can't become that here. Growing up with someone it seems isn't enough to make a strong friendship.

During my schooldays I had a group of people I saw daily, spoke to daily and hung out with outside of school. Towards the end of school it became a smaller group and those girls I still see regularly if I can, but outside of those when I meet someone I knew back then, I find it so hard to be the person I know I am now and not to revert back into the girl I was in school. The quiet one in the back who spoke to no-one and liked it like that. Now it seems no one speaks to me, and I don't know what to do to change it.

I can't revert back into small town girl - I won't. Thats not me now. But it might have to be it seems. Doesn't look like anythings gonna change anytime soon.

Being a Grown-up

I got an email the other day in response to a job application. They were asking for some more information. The first question was Salary expectation.....I felt like replying to them and saying Honestly, I've been a student for three years so I have *no* idea what it costs to live a real person life, so give me an average amount. And talking it over with my Mom, the amounts she was coming out with sound so bizarre to me. I'm used to dealing with a couple of hundred pounds or euro's, not in thousands or ten's of thousands. It's kind of a bizarre idea, to say that my salary expectation is 25,000 for example. It sounds like a hell of a lot of money and almost unreal to me. Then I always have been kinda naive when it comes to things like that. In a way, I feel like money sort of appears and I just spend it. I have been pretty lucky when it comes to money, I've always had a job in summer due to living in a tourist town, and in winter...well, my dad's a bit of a soft touch, bless him. He made sure I never wanted for anything. But now I gotta grow up and be a proper person. I think I'd rather go back to being 10 if thats alright?

Speaking of money....very good song.

Dreams part deux

So last night it seems my unconscious mind was in over drive. I had several peculiar dreams, but the one that I can remember all day is the one where I had a daughter and was hiding her from the world. No one knew about her expect my best friend Ben {possibly the father, it wasn't clear in the dream.} He was hiding away with her {Penny or Poppy or Polly} in a holiday home and I would go visit them as often as I could. She was adorable, beautiful black hair and wearing a beautiful dress. But I was supposed to be working, cutting the grass I think, and I left to try go see them, but my boss caught me, so everyone found out I had a little girl. I don't know how I managed to hide the fact I was pregnant and then that I had a daughter but I did.

Anyway, aside from that, I haven't got alot to report. Not much going on. I turn 24 in two days, which is a little strange, but at the same time not that big a deal. Mam and Dad were asking what I want to do for it, but I don't really, its just another day. Next year is a big one though! Weird though, I don't feel this old.

On the job front - nothing! Nada, zip, zilch!! Just gotta keep trying I guess! Wish me luck!

Dreams

I've been having some strange dreams lately, and some nights of interrupted sleep. Falling asleep is difficult. I'm not used to being in this bed, this place, without knowing I'm going back. And it's strange, I've gone from a double to a single, but yet the single feels empty. I've gotten too used to having someone's arms around me when I fall asleep that its made falling asleep without him kinda difficult. I thought I was getting there too, but last night proved I'm not. It took me the best part of an hour and a half to fall asleep, and then I woke about three times throughout the night. Inbetween times having some peculiar dreams. The most peculiar, and the one that has stuck in my mind more vividly than any of the others, is one where I was getting married. I know its because I was talking to someone about weddings and venues and all that goes with it last night, but still. It was so vivid. I could even see the face of my groom, which was a little weird. I was stood behind his chair, hand on his shoulder, singing a song for him. Which was possibly Mary Wells 'My Guy' but I'm not entirely sure. It was all a bit odd. Stranger still was that the guy who's arms I miss, and the groom in my dream - not the same guy. If the guy with the arms is Batman, the guy in the chair was the Riddler. Actually, I like those names, I might stick to those. They suit the men they are attributed to.