But is it?
I've been home a week now. And as much as I love my family, and I like this town, things are different. Things change. It's inevitable.
The take away I ate from every week as a kid and a teenager has been sold. The name has changed, along with it the look, the menu and the staff.
The amusement park I spent an awful lot of my teenage years in is completely different. Yes, every year there are new machines and old ones get taken away or traded, but this is almost a total overhaul. It's just weird.
The people that I spent hour upon hour upon hour with, gossiping, giggling, plotting - most of them are no longer here. People are what make a place, and without them this place has lost some of it's glow.
I love my family, I love spending time with them, but part of me feels that by being away so much I'm missing out on a lot. Little jokes, sarcastic comments I would have gotten three years ago, when my sisters and I had the same sense of humour, I no longer pick up on because I've changed. I am even having trouble understanding my kid sister and my next door neighbour. I have lost touch with the accent. That's how bad its gotten. And what am I doing to fix it? Sitting online, searching for jobs in the UK.
This is my home, the place I grew up in, the place I made a lot of kid decisions in. Now, as an adult - supposedly - making adult decisions, all I can think is how I want to go back to England. I always say how I dislike this small town; but I dislike big cities too. Cities are too impersonal. Small towns are way too intimate. Everyone knows everyones' business. It's a nightmare. But it's life I suppose. I haven't yet found a happy medium, but I'm sure gonna keep looking.
Thursday 26 June 2008
Saturday 14 June 2008
First Timer
Nineteen years old and still a modest girl. I had intended to stay that way, at least until I found someone I trusted enough to do it with. But I was pure no longer. I didn’t want to go with some random guy I barely knew but I had. I wanted my first time to be special, memorable, not regrettable. I knew it was going to hurt, I was prepared for that. I’d done my homework, but it still scared me. I knew I would get over the pain, and that I would end up enjoying it. Some people even got addicted to it –they did it once and wanted more and more.
He tried to sweet talk me into it. ‘It’ll only hurt a little bit,’ he told me.
‘But…the blood?’
‘That’s natural; almost everyone bleeds when they do it. Just don’t think about it. Relax!’ he told me ‘you’ll be fine. You’re in good hands. Trust me.’ He looked into my eyes and I believed him. ‘You still wanna do this?’
I nodded. I could feel the pain beginning and I wanted to dig my nails into the flesh of this guy who was causing it to cause him pain in return, but instead I clenched my fists and bit my lip to stop from screaming. I wanted to do this. I knew I’d probably regret it in the morning but I was here now, I wasn’t going to stop him.
Thoughts began to rush through my head, anything to distract from the pain I could feel. What if my friends found out I’d gone with some guy none of them knew? Or worse, what if my mum found out? I would not be the responsible girl she had raised if she did find out. I could try hide it but they’d uncover it, I know they would.
“Almost there.” I heard him say reassuringly. The ache was still constant, but I was becoming immune to it, each prick feeling slightly less painful than its predecessor. I heard the buzzing stop, and felt him pull away from my skin. ‘That wasn’t so bad now was it?’ he asked of me. I shook my head, feeling too shocked to speak. I was too scared to look but I did. I could just about make out the new black outline of a butterfly on my waistline, still slightly bloody from the needle.
“What about the colours?” I asked.
“Oh you’ll have to come back to get the specific colours done, that takes quite some time.” He was beginning to clear up his equipment.
“Come back?” I gulped. Once was enough I thought.
“Sure, in a couple of weeks when that’s healed. Make an appointment with Janet. Just make sure she knows it’s a tattoo appointment and not a piercing, we don’t wanna pierce those pretty wings. See ya.” And with that he left me alone with my new tattoo.
He tried to sweet talk me into it. ‘It’ll only hurt a little bit,’ he told me.
‘But…the blood?’
‘That’s natural; almost everyone bleeds when they do it. Just don’t think about it. Relax!’ he told me ‘you’ll be fine. You’re in good hands. Trust me.’ He looked into my eyes and I believed him. ‘You still wanna do this?’
I nodded. I could feel the pain beginning and I wanted to dig my nails into the flesh of this guy who was causing it to cause him pain in return, but instead I clenched my fists and bit my lip to stop from screaming. I wanted to do this. I knew I’d probably regret it in the morning but I was here now, I wasn’t going to stop him.
Thoughts began to rush through my head, anything to distract from the pain I could feel. What if my friends found out I’d gone with some guy none of them knew? Or worse, what if my mum found out? I would not be the responsible girl she had raised if she did find out. I could try hide it but they’d uncover it, I know they would.
“Almost there.” I heard him say reassuringly. The ache was still constant, but I was becoming immune to it, each prick feeling slightly less painful than its predecessor. I heard the buzzing stop, and felt him pull away from my skin. ‘That wasn’t so bad now was it?’ he asked of me. I shook my head, feeling too shocked to speak. I was too scared to look but I did. I could just about make out the new black outline of a butterfly on my waistline, still slightly bloody from the needle.
“What about the colours?” I asked.
“Oh you’ll have to come back to get the specific colours done, that takes quite some time.” He was beginning to clear up his equipment.
“Come back?” I gulped. Once was enough I thought.
“Sure, in a couple of weeks when that’s healed. Make an appointment with Janet. Just make sure she knows it’s a tattoo appointment and not a piercing, we don’t wanna pierce those pretty wings. See ya.” And with that he left me alone with my new tattoo.
All In A Night - Creative Piece
I know I said when I started this, once upon a nightmare, that this would contain things I had written or played about with for creative classes, but I was never happy enough with anything to put it on public display. So I'm going to throw up some bits and pieces over the next few days. For anyone that actually reads this, I'd love some feedback. The first one is a section from a story I wrote over a year ago, roughly titled Sophie & Noah. It's something I was keen to work more on, but other creative things took over. Hopefully when I have some free time in the next few months I'll start to work on it, among other things. Very short section. Enjoy:
The dance-floor was now heaving with a hundred or so students, and the heat was beginning to get to her. ‘Getting a drink’ she yelled over Abba and weaved her way across the floor. Her hand brushed against the small of someone’s back to gently nudge him out of her way, she slipped between three girls dancing around their handbags and manoeuvred her way to the edge, and without thinking took the long route around the club. She swept past people dancing and drinking and found herself at the bar. The queue was three people deep and although she hated the squash that was inevitable, the thought of going dancing again without having had something to quench her thirst wasn’t appealing. Elbowing her way into the crowd Sophie was checking the back of every brown-haired spiky-headed boy in her vision. She had studied Noah’s features over time and could pick him out at a distance. Unfortunately half the males on campus had spiked brown hair, broad shoulders and wore baggy jeans so it did make the task that little bit harder but she almost always got it right. Having made it to the bar with the use of a practiced elbow, Sophie ordered her drink and looked around. She noted a few familiar faces; some guys from her course were nearby making a scene. They were dressed head to toe in green and black and had obviously come for some theme night. Drink finally in hand she ducked under an arm and around a drunken couple. She stood against the wall, taking in the scene, all the while looking for his face. She could pick him out of a thousand strong crowd, and tonight was no exception. Though it had taken her longer than most nights she had spotted him in his white shirt, standing at the opposite end of the bar, ordering a drink. Now that she knew he was there she felt happier, she could take her time and bump into him, accidentally of course, during the night somewhere. First however she had to test her skills.
Coming up behind the guys in black and green, she placed her hand on the lower back of one, her body close to his. “Hey Jordan.” He turned to her and wrapped his arm around her waist.
“Hey you. Having a good night?”
“Yeah, so far. Hey, where’s my kiss?” Sophie turned her head and pointed towards her cheek. Jordan leaned in and kissed her skin. “That’s better! So what’s with the get up?”
“What? This?” He indicated his outfit.
“Yeah,” she replied “is it national Kiwi day and no one told me?” Jordan laughed.
“Nah, nothing like that. Ya see that guy?” He pointed to a guy Sophie recognised who had gelled black hair, a red bandana and what looked like home-made nun chucks “well it’s his 21st, and we’re all dressed as the Ninja Turtles for it.”
“So he’s Raphael? Which would make you…” she put her hand on his chest and pushed him back slightly, looking at him from head to toe, taking in the costume “…Michelangelo?”
“COWABUNGA!”
“DUDE!!!” They laughed together. “Oh, can’t believe I still remember that. Michelangelo was always my favourite though.” Looking up at him, she winked. She moved her hands to his arm and trailed the orange ribbon through her fingers, brushing his bare skin and running her hand down his bicep. She put her arms around his neck to hug him, taking his hand in her own when she pulled back. “Come dance with me later?”
“Yeah, sure.” She gave him a peck on the lips and turned to walk away. Still holding her hand he brought her back to him and pulled her in closer.
“That all I get?” he asked, looking into her eyes.
“’Fraid so,” she said, giving him a cheeky grin. “See ya later.” She walked away from him, going in the opposite direction to where she knew Noah was standing. She didn’t want to run into him just yet, it was too early. She found the girls where she had left them on the dance-floor so she joined in. Ruby, Sophie’s best friend since the first month of first year, took her hand, squeezed it and mouthed ‘Stop thinking about him.’ Nodding back at her, they both kept dancing. However knowing Noah was bound to be somewhere nearby, she kept letting her eyes drift to the sides of the club, to his normal haunts, occasionally spotting one of his friends but never him. Each time she brought her focus back into the circle she could see Ruby giving her that look, the one she reserved to tell Sophie ‘he’s not worth it, pay attention to us’. Sophie tried to, but after six or seven songs she made an excuse and left the close circle. Weaving her way through the throng she felt a hand on her wrist, turning around she saw it was Jordan. He had definitely had a lot more to drink since she had seen him earlier in the night.
The dance-floor was now heaving with a hundred or so students, and the heat was beginning to get to her. ‘Getting a drink’ she yelled over Abba and weaved her way across the floor. Her hand brushed against the small of someone’s back to gently nudge him out of her way, she slipped between three girls dancing around their handbags and manoeuvred her way to the edge, and without thinking took the long route around the club. She swept past people dancing and drinking and found herself at the bar. The queue was three people deep and although she hated the squash that was inevitable, the thought of going dancing again without having had something to quench her thirst wasn’t appealing. Elbowing her way into the crowd Sophie was checking the back of every brown-haired spiky-headed boy in her vision. She had studied Noah’s features over time and could pick him out at a distance. Unfortunately half the males on campus had spiked brown hair, broad shoulders and wore baggy jeans so it did make the task that little bit harder but she almost always got it right. Having made it to the bar with the use of a practiced elbow, Sophie ordered her drink and looked around. She noted a few familiar faces; some guys from her course were nearby making a scene. They were dressed head to toe in green and black and had obviously come for some theme night. Drink finally in hand she ducked under an arm and around a drunken couple. She stood against the wall, taking in the scene, all the while looking for his face. She could pick him out of a thousand strong crowd, and tonight was no exception. Though it had taken her longer than most nights she had spotted him in his white shirt, standing at the opposite end of the bar, ordering a drink. Now that she knew he was there she felt happier, she could take her time and bump into him, accidentally of course, during the night somewhere. First however she had to test her skills.
Coming up behind the guys in black and green, she placed her hand on the lower back of one, her body close to his. “Hey Jordan.” He turned to her and wrapped his arm around her waist.
“Hey you. Having a good night?”
“Yeah, so far. Hey, where’s my kiss?” Sophie turned her head and pointed towards her cheek. Jordan leaned in and kissed her skin. “That’s better! So what’s with the get up?”
“What? This?” He indicated his outfit.
“Yeah,” she replied “is it national Kiwi day and no one told me?” Jordan laughed.
“Nah, nothing like that. Ya see that guy?” He pointed to a guy Sophie recognised who had gelled black hair, a red bandana and what looked like home-made nun chucks “well it’s his 21st, and we’re all dressed as the Ninja Turtles for it.”
“So he’s Raphael? Which would make you…” she put her hand on his chest and pushed him back slightly, looking at him from head to toe, taking in the costume “…Michelangelo?”
“COWABUNGA!”
“DUDE!!!” They laughed together. “Oh, can’t believe I still remember that. Michelangelo was always my favourite though.” Looking up at him, she winked. She moved her hands to his arm and trailed the orange ribbon through her fingers, brushing his bare skin and running her hand down his bicep. She put her arms around his neck to hug him, taking his hand in her own when she pulled back. “Come dance with me later?”
“Yeah, sure.” She gave him a peck on the lips and turned to walk away. Still holding her hand he brought her back to him and pulled her in closer.
“That all I get?” he asked, looking into her eyes.
“’Fraid so,” she said, giving him a cheeky grin. “See ya later.” She walked away from him, going in the opposite direction to where she knew Noah was standing. She didn’t want to run into him just yet, it was too early. She found the girls where she had left them on the dance-floor so she joined in. Ruby, Sophie’s best friend since the first month of first year, took her hand, squeezed it and mouthed ‘Stop thinking about him.’ Nodding back at her, they both kept dancing. However knowing Noah was bound to be somewhere nearby, she kept letting her eyes drift to the sides of the club, to his normal haunts, occasionally spotting one of his friends but never him. Each time she brought her focus back into the circle she could see Ruby giving her that look, the one she reserved to tell Sophie ‘he’s not worth it, pay attention to us’. Sophie tried to, but after six or seven songs she made an excuse and left the close circle. Weaving her way through the throng she felt a hand on her wrist, turning around she saw it was Jordan. He had definitely had a lot more to drink since she had seen him earlier in the night.
Number 80
It's been a while since I've written anything Huh? Truth is, I have nothing to write about. Well, I'm sure if I racked my brains I could find stuff to talk about, but is it worth writing? I'm having quite a disheartening time at the moment. Nothing seems to be working the way I want it to. I know it's partly my fault for not having more of a "go-get-'em" attitude, but I just feel like I won't be wanted by any employer. My degree is gonna be a 2.1 - I'm praying! It should be, but those last essays weren't my best work, I know it. And aside from that and the time with the ISA what have I got going for me?
People keep asking "So, what now?" And I feel like I'm 18 again, waiting for the LC results and telling people I'm not going to uni, that I don't want to. The looks I'm getting now from my peers are similar to the looks I got back then from my elders. The look of shock at the fact I had no idea what I wanted to do with myself or my life is similar to the look I'm getting now at the fact I have no real solid plans. I have a few vague ideas, but they are all dependant on other vague ideas being successful or falling through. People ask where I'm going to be and my answer is along the lines of "Somewhere in the south of Ireland or north of England." Because to be honest, that's about all I know right now. I had an interview for a job in a small village outside Manchester but was unsuccessful. That was the only positive line I had and it got cut. I have an offer to housesit in Northampton for a few months from August onwards, but do I want to move that far away? If I stay in England I'd kinda like to be near Hull. A lot of friends are sticking around here and it'd be nice to be able to visit easily. And I'm sure Northampton would be nice and I'd meet people and all that, but this is my home now.
Speaking of leaving Hull, I am getting so upset this week. I said goodbye to one of my best friends on Tuesday, and it's the last time I'll see him for God knows how long. I may see him in July when I come back for graduation, but then he may not be around as he's not graduating himself. If I come back next year for visits he'll be top of my list of people to see, but thats only an "if" I come back. I don't see why I wouldn't, but it doesn't stop it playing on my mind. Had we not said goodbye in the middle of the street I'm sure I would have cried. And I know I'm gonna cry either Wednesday or Thursday when I have to say goodbye to the guy I've been spending all my time with since exams ended. He and I have spent a ton of time together over the year and have gotten really close. He knows way too much about me. Since we both finished essays we've hung out almost every day, doing something - generally watching movies or just talking til God knows what time in the morning. Saying goodbye to him is going to be weird. Not seeing him on an almost daily basis is going to throw me.
Packing is proving to be difficult. I keep promising myself I'm going to sort my room, decide whats for charity, whats for friends and whats for home. So far I've gone through about a third of my clothes, some of my books and thats it. The books proved problematic, I don't want to get rid of barely any of them, but I am trying. Doesn't help that I keep finding more I want. I've bought about six books since I finished my degree. Not too bad, but thats about how many I bought for pleasure in the three years I was at uni. I've read four, am on number five. My favourite was one called Fup {the authors name escapes me right now} about a grandfather, his grandson and the duck they find and raise as a pet. It's just plain silly, can be read in about an hour. But thoroughly enjoyable.
Packing - thats what I was talking about, not books. Packing! The clothes and shoes are proving difficult too. I was in agony thinking about having to sort through my shoes. I have two pairs of boots I know I should throw out, but can't help thinking that the cobbler in Waterford might be able to fix them for me. Cause I don't want to throw them. I like them too much! But then there's shoes I've never worn, or only worn two or three times, and know I should throw, but there's the "What if?" potential to each shoe that makes me rethink it.
Anyway, I'm rambling. I should stop and go read. Or sort. Or pack. Or something.
Also, post 80! Who'd have thought.
People keep asking "So, what now?" And I feel like I'm 18 again, waiting for the LC results and telling people I'm not going to uni, that I don't want to. The looks I'm getting now from my peers are similar to the looks I got back then from my elders. The look of shock at the fact I had no idea what I wanted to do with myself or my life is similar to the look I'm getting now at the fact I have no real solid plans. I have a few vague ideas, but they are all dependant on other vague ideas being successful or falling through. People ask where I'm going to be and my answer is along the lines of "Somewhere in the south of Ireland or north of England." Because to be honest, that's about all I know right now. I had an interview for a job in a small village outside Manchester but was unsuccessful. That was the only positive line I had and it got cut. I have an offer to housesit in Northampton for a few months from August onwards, but do I want to move that far away? If I stay in England I'd kinda like to be near Hull. A lot of friends are sticking around here and it'd be nice to be able to visit easily. And I'm sure Northampton would be nice and I'd meet people and all that, but this is my home now.
Speaking of leaving Hull, I am getting so upset this week. I said goodbye to one of my best friends on Tuesday, and it's the last time I'll see him for God knows how long. I may see him in July when I come back for graduation, but then he may not be around as he's not graduating himself. If I come back next year for visits he'll be top of my list of people to see, but thats only an "if" I come back. I don't see why I wouldn't, but it doesn't stop it playing on my mind. Had we not said goodbye in the middle of the street I'm sure I would have cried. And I know I'm gonna cry either Wednesday or Thursday when I have to say goodbye to the guy I've been spending all my time with since exams ended. He and I have spent a ton of time together over the year and have gotten really close. He knows way too much about me. Since we both finished essays we've hung out almost every day, doing something - generally watching movies or just talking til God knows what time in the morning. Saying goodbye to him is going to be weird. Not seeing him on an almost daily basis is going to throw me.
Packing is proving to be difficult. I keep promising myself I'm going to sort my room, decide whats for charity, whats for friends and whats for home. So far I've gone through about a third of my clothes, some of my books and thats it. The books proved problematic, I don't want to get rid of barely any of them, but I am trying. Doesn't help that I keep finding more I want. I've bought about six books since I finished my degree. Not too bad, but thats about how many I bought for pleasure in the three years I was at uni. I've read four, am on number five. My favourite was one called Fup {the authors name escapes me right now} about a grandfather, his grandson and the duck they find and raise as a pet. It's just plain silly, can be read in about an hour. But thoroughly enjoyable.
Packing - thats what I was talking about, not books. Packing! The clothes and shoes are proving difficult too. I was in agony thinking about having to sort through my shoes. I have two pairs of boots I know I should throw out, but can't help thinking that the cobbler in Waterford might be able to fix them for me. Cause I don't want to throw them. I like them too much! But then there's shoes I've never worn, or only worn two or three times, and know I should throw, but there's the "What if?" potential to each shoe that makes me rethink it.
Anyway, I'm rambling. I should stop and go read. Or sort. Or pack. Or something.
Also, post 80! Who'd have thought.
Monday 2 June 2008
Balls and Boyz!
Nici leaves tomorrow. It's been a good week, but flown by pretty quickly. I've loved having her here, though I'm not so sure she picked up on that. It's been a strange week for me, strange few weeks actually. I'm so lost about what to do. I keep making vague plans with friends and realising that really I can't agree to anything because I have no idea what I'll be doing or where I'll be doing it. People keep asking what I'm going to do, where I'm going to go, what my plans are....all I can do is shrug my shoulders, shake my head and tell them I have no idea. Seems like I'm not the only one though, which does make me feel that bit better.
Anyway, back to Nici, we had an interesting week. Lots of shopping, not many purchases. Lots of walking, not much sleep. And lots of music! Friday night was the Boyzone concert down in London, which despite my initial "Oh my god, what am I doing?" feelings, was a fantastic night. The two support acts were less than great but they were entertaining. The Boyz were brilliant. They may have aged, but so have their audience. I actually felt quite young while looking around me. The four women sat to my right were all well over 40.
There was one moment when I felt quite old however. One of the boyz was introducing a song and he made a comment about how it was 15 years since they had recorded it. FIFTEEN YEARS!!!! I was 8! Susan, Nici and I all looked at each other in shock and started laughing. It felt weird to know I've been listening to their music - albeit on and off - for that many years. Which means I was about 9 when I first saw them live in O'Sheas. Wow! But all in all, a good night. The trip down took us a lot longer than we would have liked, but thats mostly due to the fact we're not very competent travellers.
The End Of Year Ball was last night, and it ended up being quite a good night out. Not as much fun as last years ball, but still a brilliant night. Nici seemed to enjoy it too, which is good. Her, Tom and Roland seemed to have fun. I took - and Ben took - quite a few photos, so once I have them loaded I'll put some up. If for nothing else but the dresses. Which, I might add, it took me forever to find. I bought my dress for the ball at about 2pm yesterday afternoon. But it worked out well, I loved it. Was a little doubtful to begin with, but by the time the night was ending, I was in love with it.
As for events at the ball, one friend informed me I'm one of the most important women in his life, which made me feel happy. As simple as it sounds, it made me feel happy. He is one of the people I have met here that I intend to still be in touch with in my 60's. When, I might add, is about the time he thinks we'll end up getting married. Another close friend told me he thinks I'll be really close to his children. I told him I better be. His response was along the lines of: "Well, lets face it, you'll probably be their mother." Which is kinda sweet, in a weird way. I even managed to make one friend cry - well, almost - with words. We were talking, and yes he was a little drunk, and he said some sweet things, and I informed him that when we first met early in our first year he was a boy, and I've seen him grow into a man in the three years we've known each other. He smiled and almost cried. Which was nice payback, since he's one of the two people who have seen me cry in Hull.
Anyway, I'm gonna stop for now. Sleep is needed.
Anyway, back to Nici, we had an interesting week. Lots of shopping, not many purchases. Lots of walking, not much sleep. And lots of music! Friday night was the Boyzone concert down in London, which despite my initial "Oh my god, what am I doing?" feelings, was a fantastic night. The two support acts were less than great but they were entertaining. The Boyz were brilliant. They may have aged, but so have their audience. I actually felt quite young while looking around me. The four women sat to my right were all well over 40.
There was one moment when I felt quite old however. One of the boyz was introducing a song and he made a comment about how it was 15 years since they had recorded it. FIFTEEN YEARS!!!! I was 8! Susan, Nici and I all looked at each other in shock and started laughing. It felt weird to know I've been listening to their music - albeit on and off - for that many years. Which means I was about 9 when I first saw them live in O'Sheas. Wow! But all in all, a good night. The trip down took us a lot longer than we would have liked, but thats mostly due to the fact we're not very competent travellers.
The End Of Year Ball was last night, and it ended up being quite a good night out. Not as much fun as last years ball, but still a brilliant night. Nici seemed to enjoy it too, which is good. Her, Tom and Roland seemed to have fun. I took - and Ben took - quite a few photos, so once I have them loaded I'll put some up. If for nothing else but the dresses. Which, I might add, it took me forever to find. I bought my dress for the ball at about 2pm yesterday afternoon. But it worked out well, I loved it. Was a little doubtful to begin with, but by the time the night was ending, I was in love with it.
As for events at the ball, one friend informed me I'm one of the most important women in his life, which made me feel happy. As simple as it sounds, it made me feel happy. He is one of the people I have met here that I intend to still be in touch with in my 60's. When, I might add, is about the time he thinks we'll end up getting married. Another close friend told me he thinks I'll be really close to his children. I told him I better be. His response was along the lines of: "Well, lets face it, you'll probably be their mother." Which is kinda sweet, in a weird way. I even managed to make one friend cry - well, almost - with words. We were talking, and yes he was a little drunk, and he said some sweet things, and I informed him that when we first met early in our first year he was a boy, and I've seen him grow into a man in the three years we've known each other. He smiled and almost cried. Which was nice payback, since he's one of the two people who have seen me cry in Hull.
Anyway, I'm gonna stop for now. Sleep is needed.
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