Late night rambles.

I have just come home from the 21st of someone who means the world to me. He is my pseudo little brother and I love him like a real one, but I just couldn't stay. I just felt so out of place, I was sitting with my parents despite the fact I knew about half the room.

Its almost exactly three years since my own 21st, followed by my move to England; my leap into the unknown. I guess tonight felt strange because it was like proving to myself that all the steps I've taken to move on with my life in the past three years have been for nothing because I am right back where I started. Moving away was such a big thing for me, even though I tried to make out that it wasn't. It felt right and scared as I was I knew it was the best thing for me. And I have had some adventures away, I have some stories to tell and yes, I earned a degree while I was away but I think the most important thing I did over the last three years was discover myself - as cliched as that sounds! I am two very different people at home and in Hull. Very alike, but yet very very different. And I don't like the person I am at home. Not anymore.

In Hull I am a social butterfly. Its rare that a day goes by where I don't have some form of plan for the day. To see someone for coffee or a movie or dinner, but here its even rarer that such plans exist. I spend every day at home with my parents who don't seem to get that I just want them to leave me be, my sister who I love to bits but who I am terribly jealous of. She is in Tramore the way I am in Hull, and I can't become that here. Growing up with someone it seems isn't enough to make a strong friendship.

During my schooldays I had a group of people I saw daily, spoke to daily and hung out with outside of school. Towards the end of school it became a smaller group and those girls I still see regularly if I can, but outside of those when I meet someone I knew back then, I find it so hard to be the person I know I am now and not to revert back into the girl I was in school. The quiet one in the back who spoke to no-one and liked it like that. Now it seems no one speaks to me, and I don't know what to do to change it.

I can't revert back into small town girl - I won't. Thats not me now. But it might have to be it seems. Doesn't look like anythings gonna change anytime soon.