It’s about 2 in the morning and I should really be sleeping, but I kind of got the urge to write. I have all these thoughts floating around in my head but I’m not sure what to do with any of them.
Firstly, in 2 days I’ll be back in the UK. In four I’ll be back in Hull. I’m not quite sure what to do about that. I know I’ve spent the summer yearning for Hull and Uni and to be back there but now that it’s about time to head back it won’t sink in. Part of me wishes I could do the summer over, change things. Ya know, go out more. Do things besides work, watch movies and sleep. But I know given the chance to change it, I doubt I actually would. I would probably end up sitting in at the weekend and watching movies - crappy movies at that. I didn’t even do a hell of a lot of writing this summer, and that was my plan. To write enough to give me at least some idea of what to do for my portfolio this year, and what did I write? Complimentary slips explaining to customers why we charged them €10 extra than we should have.
Secondly, I am kind of wary about going back to Hull, because it means having to face things I would rather keep hidden. House issues mainly. Oh the girls are gone, and it shouldn’t be too hard to settle into the house with the new crew, but at the same time I have to go through the whole moving in with new people thing yet again. I thought two years running was more than enough, but now I’m about to do it for a third. And besides the house issues there are people issues too. Well, person mainly. It’s amazing how you can trust someone almost unconditionally one week and the following week not want to tell them what flavour ice-cream you like, let alone anything else. That happened months ago between myself and a very good friend of mine, only now she’s not that anymore. I haven’t really spoken to her all summer, out of choice more than pure idleness, and I’m going to see her the day after I arrive back to Hull. I’m not so sure about whether this is a good or a bad thing. Time will well. Though I have been saying that for a few months now and if anything’s changed it’s us. We’re different now to who we were before and I don’t see us ever being as close as we were.
I got in touch with her a few days ago to share in my excitement over an event that may be coming up in a few weeks {more about that later} and I had expected her reply to be one of shared excitement, but instead it was one of warning and reserve. True that there are elements to this event that may result in bad things, but initially she should be happy and excited for me too, right? I do know the risks, and I didn’t need to hear them from her, what I wanted was to know she was happy for me, but instead I got what felt like a motherly warning.
Thirdly. Does going back to England mean I have to face up to the fact that I’m becoming an adult – albeit gradually and with much resisting? In 10 months time I will – hopefully – have graduated with a degree in English Literature with Creative Writing. But what does that mean? I don’t even know where I can go from here with that. Am I going to end up working in an office? Dear lord I hope not. I detest office politics. I am not made for the water cooler culture that exists there. I understand the need to befriend co-workers but there are elements to it I’d rather not have to deal with.
Anyway, that was an unplanned sidetrack.
Does going back to England mean I have to face up to the truth about my lack of a working relationship with a decent guy? I think I know why I don’t have them. I think it’s a defence mechanism. I become attracted to guys I know are unavailable in some sense – either just out of a relationship, or leaving the country in a short space of time - meaning I can’t get too close to them which in turn means I can’t get too hurt by them, leaving my heart unbroken. At least that’s my theory. The only thing I need to do now is overcome that mechanism. Or maybe keep it, at least for the next nine months. It might come in handy to not be distracted by blokes, I might actually get some work done.
Ok, so fingers crossed I will actually update this more often when I am back in England. I’ll aim for twice or three times a week, but don’t hold your breath.
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