Happy Birthday to me!

I turned 34 on Sunday. Happy Birthday to me.

Only it wasn’t.

I did have a nice day, doing things I love, but I returned home alone and found myself considerably upset at the thought of going to bed in an empty house on my birthday. So much so that there was a moment I considered packing my bag and going to stay at my Mum’s, knowing she was also home alone. But I knew that would result in tearful conversations, and the possible beginnings of a habit. I’m officially a grown up, I need to be able to spend a tearful lonely night alone and be okay with it.

The reason I’m home alone on a Sunday night is because my partner in crime has started a new job. An opportunity he couldn’t pass up that just happens to be in another city. As neither of us currently drive and the public transport that’s available doesn’t get him there in time for work, he is living there during the week and coming home at weekends. Now I know we are not the first couple to ever be in this situation, and undoubtedly we will be far from the last, but this is tougher than I imagined it to be.

I encouraged him to take the job. It really was the best move for him. But I’m beginning to realise it was not the best move for me. Turns out I kinda like having him around. But there are benefits to being home alone.

I can listen to my music loudly and not be concerned about his distaste for my love of country. Or the fact that I am like a small child and love to hear the same song or album ten times daily. (I have had the Waitress Original Cast Recording Soundtrack on repeat for about three months now. LOVE Sara Bareilles.) And he finds the repetition just a tad tedious.

I can have Coco Pops for dinner. I mean, not everyday, but certainly once in a while and there is no one there to judge. Not that he would judge, he’d probably join in and have a bowl too, but if he’s home I will make an effort to cook something nice that we will both enjoy, putting time and effort into a semi-balanced meal. But without someone else to cook for I can eat whatever I want. Be that toast, an ice-cream or a bowl of coco pops. Or all three.

The T.V is mine and mine alone! No one else’s tastes to consider when I’m looking for a movie or a new series to binge. I don’t have to dismiss something if its too girlie or there’s too much singing in it, and I don’t have to spend an age figuring out what to watch of an evening. Only I still do. Turns out I’m indecisive enough on my own without having to consider someone else’s opinions and tastes. Even without having to find something we’re both in the mood for it still takes several false starts before I find something I actually want to watch. (I’d recommend Set It Up. Watched it on my own while drinking tea and eating cake, thoroughly enjoyable night. Silly sweet predictable rom-com. You know the type.)

On the flip side, there is no one there to converse with, no one to act silly with. No one to share a bar of chocolate with – I eat his share now as well as my own. I look after myself better when I have someone else to care for. I eat healthier when he’s around because I want him to eat well. I go to bed earlier because I know he needs his sleep as he has an early start and gets groggy without his full seven hours. I put my book down and turn the light off, encouraging him to do the same so that we actually go to sleep. And it goes both ways, he had an earlier start so I would get up when he got out of the shower, and I would always leave the house by 7:30, be in work for 8:15. On evenings that I didn’t get home until late he’d have dinner sorted, or at least planned. Now I’m by myself I believe I know my limits and how far I can push myself, but since he moved I have been uncharacteristically late to work at least once a week because I tell myself ‘just one more chapter’ the night before. And I’ve already mentioned how fantastic my dinner skills are.

I keep telling myself this is temporary. We’re going to be in the same city soon enough. I have high hopes that I will be offered a job in the same city as him within 6 months, but until then I have to endure living alone temporarily. He’s just glad he doesn’t have to endure Jane The Virgin any more.

 

Weightloss Week Two

I’m almost done with my second week with the weight loss group. I went along last Thursday and got weighed in and, much to my delight, I had lost 4&1/2 lbs. It was actually easier than I expected, although the first week was fairly full of salad. Its taken a bit of time to get accustomed to and I have found it more difficult to stick to the plan on week two than I did with week one, but I can tell you exactly why. Visitors. 

B’s parents came to visit for the weekend, and as always it was lovely to see them and spend time with them, but I found having people around called for entertaining which called for foods that are not exactly good for me. We watched the Eurovision, a tradition for me, and I had arranged to have healthy snacks, fruit and veg, things I love snacking on anyway. However take-away was suggested, and I considered saying no just for myself but I knew once the food came I’d want some and would end up pilfering from other people’s orders. Which was followed by a box of chocolates, among other things. The weekend was a downward slope, but I hoped starting back to the work week on Monday would help steer me in the right direction. It didn’t. Now I haven’t been terrible or eaten the weight I lost in Drifter’s but I haven’t been as good as I was on week one. 

I get weighed in tomorrow after work and I am just hoping to not have gained weight. Even if I just stay the same I’ll be more than happy. Promise to report back soon.

New Beginnings

Everything changed last summer. I was on track to the weight I wanted. Actually, the body I wanted. For possibly the first time in my entire life. I had starting exercising, and I was actually enjoying it. Three, sometimes four times a week I was going to a fitness class, I loved it. And between that and eating a little better it was doing wonderful things for me. Then last summer I had an amazing opportunity to start a new full time job. Having been in a part time job for a few years and knowing there was no chance of progression there, it was definitely worth considering. There was a catch however. It involved moving to another city. Great. Wonderful. Why not? Whole lot of reasons for and against but after a lot of discussion with B and my family, I decided to accept the job and see how things turned out.

The job is a sedentary office job. Five days a week. It's not my dream job but it's a full time, ok paid job that is possibly a job for life if it continues to go well. The biggest problem, and what has prompted me to write this, is that the combination of a new city, a sit down job and losing the class I was enjoying so much has meant that I am back to being pudgy; heavy; overweight; fat; even possibly clinically obese. I should add, these are not terms that have been used by other people to describe me. These are all self appointed descriptions. I am at a point where I am unhappy with my outward appearance and where I feel unhealthy and am concerned about how th  food  I'm eating are impacting my overall wellbeing. I don't feel comfortable or confident. I don't like wearing the clothes I used to love because now they cling in all the wrong places. They're tight and uncomfortable. I actually snapped my belt while trying to buckle it a few days ago. Now, the belt wasn't the newest or the sturdiest, but it was still an upsetting moment. And maybe even a pivotal one. I joined a weight loss group two days later. I'm undecided as to whether I'll name the group or not, maybe we'll wait to see what happens. My sister had joined the same weight loss group and has had success, so I decided it was worth a shot.

My first night the weigh in was a little terrifying. Thankfully it's a very private weigh in. But the positive part is that I am pretty much the weight I thought I was. If that makes sense. So that was Thursday night. This is now Saturday night and today was the first day I put their weight loss plan into action. Friday was a non starter. No reason, just wanted to put it off a day or two more. And also I think part of me wanted to come home and sit and talk with B about the food options and to try encourage him to join me. So today we did a big shop, and for the first time in probably nine months, there was no chocolate, no biscuits. Not a cereal bar in sight. It was plain weird. Actually it was just plain.

For a first day it wasn't terrible. Now the decision to go to the cinema later in the day may have been misguided, but I stood strong. I packed an apple and strawberries and ate those. The lingering scent of the popcorn as we heading in the doors was hard to ignore. Popcorn is half the reason I even go to the cinema. But I was proud of myself today. I bought a drink, nothing more. I ate my strawberries and my apple slices. And it was weird. It wasn't the end of the world. It wasn't life altering or emotional. But it was strange. And, before the movie was over (Marvel movie so it was over two hours) I was hungry. And not a little peckish but hungry!! Normally after a cinema trip, B and I would skip dinner. Tonight however we made dinner. A healthy one. Grilled chicken, (no skin), quinoa and veg (tomatoes, spring onions, peppers, carrots and sugar snap peas). And it was really tasty. But, again, less than two hours later, we're both hungry again. I mean I'm sure that's probably a good thing but I'm far too used to popping to the kitchen and grabbing a snack. Chocolate or crisps or biscuits. Something to satisfy a craving and sate the hunger. Tonight, I went for a banana. Not nearly as exciting as M&M's but it will be worth it.

I aim to write and update how I'm getting on a couple times a week. Hopefully the task of writing about my food, eating habits and weight will make the journey more bearable. It might even be helpful to someone else. So, here I am, taking the first step to the rest of my life. Hopefully a healthier one.

Food

So it seems that food is the only language I understand. That would explain why I'm overweight.

*Cough, cough*

I'm sick! Coughing and spluttering and generally being a nuisance, more to myself than anyone else. I can't sleep at night because I'm coughing so much, and my chest, stomach and back hurt from the amount of coughing I'm doing. It's great fun! But on the plus side, I am getting better. Well, I think I am.

I had an interview on Friday! It went well, apparently. I thought it went horribly but I've heard since that it wasn't nearly as bad as I first imagined. Now all I have to do is wait and see if I got the job. Fingers crossed! It's a fairly handy job. It's a cashier position at the credit union. Like I said, fingers crossed. It's not a dream job, but it's a job. Speaking of, I am working. Sort of. Local newsagents/toy store/gift store/stationary store were short staffed and I need money, so it's a win win situation. Started on Saturday and am working again tomorrow and then for the rest of the week. Which is great cause I need some money because I want to go to Hull between now and Christmas, and flights and trains cost money!

Dublin was great. The conference went really well - I think anyway. Had a fun time with Robert and was fun to talk to students about the Uni and tell them stories. I also got the chance to look at some post grad info from some English uni's. Gonna look into that in more detail soon though. I do sort of expect I'll just go back to Hull to do my Masters. It's comfortable and I'm comfortable there. We'll see how money and time goes. Seeing the girls was great fun. I miss Aoife so much. I always realise this when I see her, but the great thing is we can go for so long without seeing each other and then meet up and it's like we were never apart. And Sarah!! Well, that girl is an entity all her own. I love her to pieces, but this past weekend she managed to upset me for possible the first time I've known her. And it was unintentional I'm sure, but it still happened. But I think it was a two way street so what can ya do?

The Saturday was a lot of fun, Ben and I wandered Dublin for a while before heading out to Phoenix Park and waiting outside the zoo for Nici and James. It took them forever to get there, but get there they did. We wandered around the zoo until closing time and then headed to Thunder Road where we were joined by Sarah and Padraig for dinner. I hadn't been there in years, it was brilliant. Music was loud {I'm getting old!} and they've changed the layout and some of the decor, but it was still fantastic.

Just hanging with Ben for the weekend was fun. I've missed him. Lots. We didn't do anything of note, just enjoyed each others company and walked alot. Hopefully it won't be another two months before I see him again.

Food & Friends

I've already said that my trip home has consisted of a lot of food, and it hasn't changed. I'm still eating way too much food, but its sooo good.

I have a bit of a problem. I've a close friend who is, well, for want of a better phrase absolutely wrecking my head lately. I can't be around her without wanting to leave. She has finally picked up that there's something wrong, and she keeps asking, but I can't give her any reply other than I'm fine. I don't want to talk to her. About anything. I dunno, maybe I've just grown impatient with people. I've not spoken to one of my best friends in over a month because he just got on my last nerve. He is a hard guy to handle at the best of times, but I am a patient person and I love him, so I've stuck with him throughout uni. But since Christmas he had been making me feel guilty and feel like the things I did, the things I poured my heart into, the things that I spent my spare time working on were unimportant and pointless in his eyes. Which made me feel belittled and hurt. I couldn't get over it, and every time we spoke he made me feel worse. So I eventually screamed at him down the phone, to the point where he hung up. We've not spoken since.

I miss him. Which sounds silly, cause of the way he was treating me, but I do. He has this terrible habit of knowing what to say to make me see sense. Knowing what to say to make me feel like I'm not worthy, or not bright, or not aware of whats going on in front of me. I know sometimes I can be naive but its not as bad as makes out.

I'm rambling, guess I haven't made up my mind about what to do about the boy. My life is definately not the same without him in it, but do I want someone in my life who makes me feel like that?? To be fair, he can also cheer me up when no one else can, and he makes me smile and laugh and we can talk. But.....when I weigh up both sides, which one wins?