SURPRISE!!!

I've just returned from a weekend in Hull. Yeah I know I didn't mention specifics of it before I left but I had my reasons. Namely I wanted to surprise one of my friends and I have a feeling he occasionally dips in and out of this, and knowing my luck and his timing he would have read it before I went over.

I had a fantastic time. I can't really say much else without being repetitive, but I think I shall. I saw Batman for four days. Which I really really needed. It's kinda crazy how short a month is in comparison to the grand scale, but how long it can be when its what's standing between you and seeing someone who makes your whole world brighter. I spent my days seeing people and having food and coffee with friends I've missed more than I thought I could. I spent my nights with Batman and the other regular crew, drinking, watching movies, chilling out. And spent a lot of time just doing nothing in particular. But that's the way I like it.

I had some duties to attend to this weekend however. I had to meet the new girlfriend of not one but TWO of my close friends. And I'll be honest, one of them I was not looking forward to meeting, and I really didn't want to like. But I do. She's a nice girl, and she's good for him. Not entirely sure he's ready for her and what dating her means, but I like him. And the other one was quiet but seems nice. And he's happy, again thats all that matters.
My other duties were of the meet the parents variety. I was kind of nervous before hand, but once they arrived I realised I was being silly. Parents generally love me. We went for lunch, and I slowly gathered how this family works. Dad is relaxed and chilled and Mom is the stern captain of the ship. Or so it seems. Batman really looks like his Dad, and from the short time I spent with them, I think personality wise they're very similar too. I could be wrong. Supposedly they think I'm nice. Good start I hope.

Right, I'm damn cold and it's late. Sleep is a must. Photos of the weekend will follow soon.

Disaster of a Day

I should be on a bus right now on my way up to Dublin to attend a Graduate Careers Fair, an opportunity to meet and impress potential employers and give my cv to the unsuspecting reps for numerous companies. I've been debating with myself for a few days whether I really wanted to go or not. My dad suggested it and I agreed it might be a good idea. Which in fathertongue means I'm going. I know he's just looking out for me and wants me to succeed and to be happy, but I don't see the point in going to this fair. If I am to stay in Ireland, I really want a job in the south east. Somewhere accessible from home. Somewhere that I can commute from home. It makes saving a lot more feasible. However if I was to get a job elsewhere in the country it would mean having to pay rent and food and whatnot, leaving next to nothing for saving. Tramore might not be my ideal location right now, but it makes financial sense.
So I had been tossing and turning over whether to go today or not, and I decided to prep to go. So I printed a few dozen cvs and put them in envelopes, found time tables of trains and buses and picked a time to leave. My bus was at 7:55 am. That would get me to Dublin sometime around 12, which would mean getting to the Arena sometime around1. Giving me an hour to look around and talk, before heading back into town to get a 3 o'clock train home. A lot of travelling for a little time in Dublin, but who knows? It might do me good. I got up this morning at 7, and dawdled. There is no other word for it. I was still debating the trip and whether it would be worth it. But I left the house at 7:45, determined to give it my best shot.

The bus stop is at the bottom of a hill. As I began to head down the hill I could see the bright red bus with its orange lights sitting at the bottom. 'Great,' I though, 'I'll make it.' Only as soon as I thought those words the bus began to pull away. I was too far away to make a run for it so all I could do was stand there and watch. So I turned on my heels and trudged home in the rain. The next bus was well over an hour away so I wasn't waiting. And I've sat here for the past hour debating whether it's worth my while to get the next bus. And I've decided it's not. By the time I'd get to the Fair it would be after 2, and it's only open until about 3. And it would mean not getting home until almost 9pm tonight. Really not worth it.

So goes my job hunt....slowly but surely twisting down the drain.

Long time.

I don't even know when my last post was, but it must be fairly long because I thought of posting all by myself, with no reminders from anyone!
Mostly I wanted to get something out of my system, well a couple of things. The first is a very upsetting and kinda disturbing dream I had last night. It was a long complicated dream with people I don't know and some I do, and places that weren't familiar in the slightest but I knew them meticulously in my dream. But the thing that has stuck with me is that the Riddler {remember him from a previous post?} talked to me about how he felt he had no purpose and no one cared for him, and how he would be better off dead. Then he committed suicide, and my father was the one to find him. It was a little disturbing. Even though I've been awake and busy for at least 13 or 14 hours now I can still vividly see my parents standing in my bedroom doorway telling me he was dead. It upset me a bit. So much so that I got in contact with him shortly after I woke up to see if he was okay. He says he has some issues at the moment but he'll be fine. Not so sure I believe him but what can I do when I'm in a different country?

Other than that, I am just so sick of being here. There are no jobs to be had. I'm working in a newsagents for the time being to just get some money into my pocket and fund a trip to Hull before Christmas. And when I go over I am going to bring a stack of cv's and my best employ me outfit and smile. I love home, I love my friends, but there's just not enough incentive for me to stay here anymore. My friends, my life is in hull. I feel like a shell of my former self by being away from it all. Doesn't help that my best friend has a new girlfriend, and I sorta feel like I've been replaced in a way. My best friend and my boyfriend are hanging out constantly, and I used to be part of that equation, but now I'm not. And she's there with them on nights out and nights in and it makes me feel like I'm missing out even more. And worse still, I have to give my approval of her when I meet her. How am I supposed to approve of someone I'm jealous of and who I feel is replacing me? Can it be done?

To go back to speaking of home, two of the girls I went to school with were home for the weekend so we went out for a couple of drinks last night. Less than an hour into the night I started thinking how maybe I should pursue teaching so I'll at least have something to talk to them about. I can't say I didn't enjoy the night, I did. For the most part. I still feel a bit out of place here now so it wasn't the easiest night for me. I will admit I did leave the pub earlier than everyone else, and was glad to. I had been leaving an hour before but had another drink bought for me so I stayed. Then some girls we went to school with showed up and sat with us, even though I would guess it's been at least four years since I had a conversation with any of them that lasted longer than 5 minutes. Which is quite sad, because one of them was one of my best friends in school, and her fiancé was another. Now I'd be surprised to even get an evening invitation to the wedding. But these things happen right? Its said that the friends you make at college/university are the ones you keep for life, and I can genuinely see that happening, but I don't want them to be the kind of friends I see a couple of times a year, I want to see them as often as possible. But until I get decent money, or a decent job in the Uk, it aint gonna happen. And I miss them. Terribly.

*Cough, cough*

I'm sick! Coughing and spluttering and generally being a nuisance, more to myself than anyone else. I can't sleep at night because I'm coughing so much, and my chest, stomach and back hurt from the amount of coughing I'm doing. It's great fun! But on the plus side, I am getting better. Well, I think I am.

I had an interview on Friday! It went well, apparently. I thought it went horribly but I've heard since that it wasn't nearly as bad as I first imagined. Now all I have to do is wait and see if I got the job. Fingers crossed! It's a fairly handy job. It's a cashier position at the credit union. Like I said, fingers crossed. It's not a dream job, but it's a job. Speaking of, I am working. Sort of. Local newsagents/toy store/gift store/stationary store were short staffed and I need money, so it's a win win situation. Started on Saturday and am working again tomorrow and then for the rest of the week. Which is great cause I need some money because I want to go to Hull between now and Christmas, and flights and trains cost money!

Dublin was great. The conference went really well - I think anyway. Had a fun time with Robert and was fun to talk to students about the Uni and tell them stories. I also got the chance to look at some post grad info from some English uni's. Gonna look into that in more detail soon though. I do sort of expect I'll just go back to Hull to do my Masters. It's comfortable and I'm comfortable there. We'll see how money and time goes. Seeing the girls was great fun. I miss Aoife so much. I always realise this when I see her, but the great thing is we can go for so long without seeing each other and then meet up and it's like we were never apart. And Sarah!! Well, that girl is an entity all her own. I love her to pieces, but this past weekend she managed to upset me for possible the first time I've known her. And it was unintentional I'm sure, but it still happened. But I think it was a two way street so what can ya do?

The Saturday was a lot of fun, Ben and I wandered Dublin for a while before heading out to Phoenix Park and waiting outside the zoo for Nici and James. It took them forever to get there, but get there they did. We wandered around the zoo until closing time and then headed to Thunder Road where we were joined by Sarah and Padraig for dinner. I hadn't been there in years, it was brilliant. Music was loud {I'm getting old!} and they've changed the layout and some of the decor, but it was still fantastic.

Just hanging with Ben for the weekend was fun. I've missed him. Lots. We didn't do anything of note, just enjoyed each others company and walked alot. Hopefully it won't be another two months before I see him again.

Glutton

Been a while since I was here last. I think it's partly because I don't have a lot to write about, and I feel like I'm just repeating myself. Still no job, still at home, still missing Hull and still baking. In the past few weeks I have baked chocolate biscuit cake; chocolate chip cookies; apple & strawberry crumble; lemon & yogurt cake; salsa; chocolate cake and shortbread. Lots of shortbread. That one was good. And tonight I tried muffins, which didn't turn out so great. I know myself it's a coping mechanism. I get bored or stressed or depressed and I bake. Generally something sweet that I can use to stuff my face. I am a comfort eater. I always have been. It's such a bad thing. Especially since I'm not walking nearly as much here as I would in England. I need to start going walking every day, instead of once or twice a week.

But on the upside, I am going to Dublin in a few days to firstly help out at a Higher Options Conference. Someone I know from Hull Uni contacted me about it a few weeks ago, its three days of standing and convincing secondary school students that Hull Uni is an amazing place for Irish people to be! Which it is! I am testament to that. And secondly to spend time with the girls who live up there. And lastly {and probably most importantly} someone's coming over from Hull for the weekend to see me. Which I can't wait for! Oh, and a trip to the Zoo with my lil sister and some others. Photos will follow I'm sure.

On a totally different note, my nephew and Godson started big school. He looks so cute in his uniform, it's adorable, IF a little weird. Still getting used to it. Stranger still is that two girls I went to school with are the teachers of his class and the other junior infants class. It's odd going to pick him up and seeing them at the doors of the school; the same school I spent 6 years at!

Late night rambles.

I have just come home from the 21st of someone who means the world to me. He is my pseudo little brother and I love him like a real one, but I just couldn't stay. I just felt so out of place, I was sitting with my parents despite the fact I knew about half the room.

Its almost exactly three years since my own 21st, followed by my move to England; my leap into the unknown. I guess tonight felt strange because it was like proving to myself that all the steps I've taken to move on with my life in the past three years have been for nothing because I am right back where I started. Moving away was such a big thing for me, even though I tried to make out that it wasn't. It felt right and scared as I was I knew it was the best thing for me. And I have had some adventures away, I have some stories to tell and yes, I earned a degree while I was away but I think the most important thing I did over the last three years was discover myself - as cliched as that sounds! I am two very different people at home and in Hull. Very alike, but yet very very different. And I don't like the person I am at home. Not anymore.

In Hull I am a social butterfly. Its rare that a day goes by where I don't have some form of plan for the day. To see someone for coffee or a movie or dinner, but here its even rarer that such plans exist. I spend every day at home with my parents who don't seem to get that I just want them to leave me be, my sister who I love to bits but who I am terribly jealous of. She is in Tramore the way I am in Hull, and I can't become that here. Growing up with someone it seems isn't enough to make a strong friendship.

During my schooldays I had a group of people I saw daily, spoke to daily and hung out with outside of school. Towards the end of school it became a smaller group and those girls I still see regularly if I can, but outside of those when I meet someone I knew back then, I find it so hard to be the person I know I am now and not to revert back into the girl I was in school. The quiet one in the back who spoke to no-one and liked it like that. Now it seems no one speaks to me, and I don't know what to do to change it.

I can't revert back into small town girl - I won't. Thats not me now. But it might have to be it seems. Doesn't look like anythings gonna change anytime soon.

Being a Grown-up

I got an email the other day in response to a job application. They were asking for some more information. The first question was Salary expectation.....I felt like replying to them and saying Honestly, I've been a student for three years so I have *no* idea what it costs to live a real person life, so give me an average amount. And talking it over with my Mom, the amounts she was coming out with sound so bizarre to me. I'm used to dealing with a couple of hundred pounds or euro's, not in thousands or ten's of thousands. It's kind of a bizarre idea, to say that my salary expectation is 25,000 for example. It sounds like a hell of a lot of money and almost unreal to me. Then I always have been kinda naive when it comes to things like that. In a way, I feel like money sort of appears and I just spend it. I have been pretty lucky when it comes to money, I've always had a job in summer due to living in a tourist town, and in winter...well, my dad's a bit of a soft touch, bless him. He made sure I never wanted for anything. But now I gotta grow up and be a proper person. I think I'd rather go back to being 10 if thats alright?

Speaking of money....very good song.